accountable freedom

I know that I have just posted but I have something else that I wanted to share with you folks that are bored enough to read my ramblings
if you know me you will know that I love clothes I like to spend money well you are wrong
I was caught in this endless cycle of guity enery sapping nothingness
I thought that if I looked the way that I thought that people thought that I should then it woulfd be ok
the truth of the matter is I was in this cycle of having too much choice and too much resources to expand the choices in my life and it sent me into a massive panic all of the time and you know when you are driving and someone keeps their lights on beam you panic coz you can not see well that was me and money and pocessions and I was screaming turn off the lights so that i could see
I did not want to be bamboozled by teh bright city lights but I was so dazzled that i could not step out of the headlights
well now I have been rescued and life is so much easier
I look balkc to the begining to the summer when I moved into promise I was in this constant panic all of the time to teh extend that i was so unsure of my self that i would ahve to change my clothes many times before I could even come out of my room in the morning I was in such a desperate stress an th more i was in this stress the more I had to spend and the bigger the choice got and th worse it got
any wya I was able to come clean about ti with a dear friend and now I do not hold my finacees
and i discuss what I need to do and the bills that i need to pay and to be honest it is really like dropping the mill stone that was dragging me down and it is beutiful and lovely and I am so much more free in my life space and head capacity to get on with the things tht matter that is building zion
I love the life that i am living and i would not have it any other way

when you think about nothing

I was thinking the other day and realised just how much time I think about nothing.
I know that sounds crazy, But I am realising that nothing is ever silent.
If you manage to find somewhere that you think is silent listen and you will hear somehing weather it is the wind or the beating of your own heart, or it might be a creak or a sqeek but we live in a world that is totally filled with sound.
You may be wondering what has brought me to this place of thinking about this. Well some of you will know that I have reduced hearing well I now only have 20% natural hearing and I am very reliant now on the two digital hearing aids that I have been blessed to receive, well one day last week I lost the hearing comepletely even with the aids in one of my ears, to say that I was freaked out was a bit of an understatement, But it is funnty how other senses seem to over compensate when you lose one. Any way A senoir leader prayed and the next day my hearing was restored back to where it had been the day before I still beleive that God will one day restore it fully but I be;leive that i have learnign curve to negoitae first.
any way in all of this I realised that no matter how much I think I realised that so much of my thinking is taken up with nothing so many times folks have said what did you think about today and I do not have a clue yet I realise that my mind like my workd is never still I ahve this capacity to fill my mind and my space with nothing so much of my life seems to drift past me.
so i was thinking that God has a plan for my nothing ness so I am going on a nothingness fast
when I realise that I am in nothing land i am going to be active and put my willl and spirit into action
it is going to be a bit like an atlete training for a race I know that it is not going to happen over night but I know that passivity drains the mind and soul and it is one of the devils pots to render me inaffective as a christian
so if you see me drifting off into nothing land please remind me I am in training
I will reach the finish line and I will receive the goal that God has set out for me I will be an affective sister and bring glory to the king that is worthy of what ever small offering I ma able to bring and lay at his feet
thanks for reading my random ramblings

pain people inflict!!!!

I was thinking to myself how many of us really think about how our word/actins affect others
I know that I only really think about how others hurt me or how I see unfairness toward others
I never really understand people to much and I know that I rarely think about why a person acts or reacts in a certain manner.
I know that I am all to erady to defend my own actions and I am al too ready to say well i do this becasue of what happened x number of times or years ago to me.
But this weekend I was reminded in a massive way that we are new creation beings the old has died and we are or should be living new creation.
I have watch my daughter becoming transformed over this summer and she challenges me on my excuses all of the time.
She has stepped well more like run out of the darkness of damage and pain that she had inflicted on her or took on herself and has lept into being new creation and living very much in the light of healing.
I know that I hvae so much to learn from the simplicity that she sees
Having said all of the above it is not always so simple to live it out (in my humble opinion) or is that a cope out I will let you decide
I know that I am challenged to see God more clearly and to allow his love/lite and healing to move deeper into my
How easy ti is for us to become ineffective as christians by what has happened in the past that we choose to drag into our future.
I know all too well how easy it is for me to get into my head and to find every excuse not to move in my new creations erbirth and that is where my brothers and sisters around me challenge me
I kow with some of the stuff that I have been encountering recently I would have not coped in the past I would have slipped out of the healing that God has blessed me with and moved in to the old darkenss which for me was depression
because of the family God has surrounded me with I can move in the light of his healing and I can continue to be effective and build the kingdom today and not sit around proclaiming we are in the end times and life is doomed so why bother
this is all a bit random but I hope that you can sort of gleen something from it
no matte how dark things have been in the past no matter what the pain today you are a new creation and you can live in it with the help of your brothers/sister
I know that they are the hands that stop me from falling
I would not have it any other way

I stopped

hi folks
A few posts back I was stressing about how I was not coping with how to safetly bring up my children I am sure that it is every parents worst fears
Any way I stopped stressing and guess what God stepped in
When I realised that i was stopping God from getting in by doing it all I stepped back with many struggles and handed my daughter over to her Father and guess what he meet her big style
She was baptised in the spirit and she is getting baptised in water in a couple of weeks So you wanna come see my beautiful daughter die get healed and raised again well it will be at coventry Jesus center on sunday 24 september at 6 pm
she wants to see God move in power and lives changed other than her own
he eldest brother who is so not in God is coming andf he is bring his lady and his other band mambers what a miracle thanks God
if you know wharer sarah pure or fealess are drag em along coz her heart aches to see you back in the fold
it is fantastic coz my daughter and I are lvoing each other in a new freedom and we talk now and we share our hearts it is wonderful
ah yeah and my youngest is off to high school tomorrrow
no more little uns as they keep reminding me
and as i keep telling em they will always be my babies

summer over winds of autumn signal changes

well we have been living at promise all summer and I guess it is time to reflect
TIme has vanished and there is an air of sadness and excitment in my heart.
Things are very much changing as we embark on a closer walk as disciples
we will be at promise 5 nights a week as we gear up for life in christian community but there is still much preparaton to do. I know that there are areas in my life that I need to surrender. I guess that we have very much been through a honeymoon time over the summer becasue I knew that we could run home if the fire got too hot But I do not feel that I was over challenged during this summer but i am sure that there will be times when i feel the need to react
But I know that as we move through the winter months I am sure that folks will cross my flesh and I am sure that it will cause reactions in me but I know that it is about eternity i am building for the futre and nopt for today
I have longed and craved accountablity and it is begining o happen finaly
I my heart is craving transparency I do not any longer want to be hiding in the shadows any longer I have spent to much of my life hiding in the shadows of my sin and now it is time for Gods light to shine and to live a life that is open and accountable
and I know that my brethren will help me to acheive this
I want to see the kingdom shining out
yesterday I was at a friends house back in Mlavern I had recently added her name to our mailing list she was one of the folks I was not too sure how she was going to react to beging sent our magazine but I decided that if she did not want it she could let me know
any way she was sooooo grateful and was thrilled when i told her that she would get one every quater
so go on be brave go through your adress book you never know how they will rteact untill they receive one
building the kingdom is not about popularity it is about eternity

When grace imparts more than you knew you needed

Well last week was gloryously exhusting.
I haad the honour and privaldge of taking hte gospel on to the streets of worcester with the team from whitestone (one of the other houses in coventry)
I have held this vision for work in worcster in my heart for 15 years so it was with gret joy that i joined the team for a few days. Why was worcester buring in my heart
well partly because I grew up near there but also becasue i know the need there for God, But i guess one can say that about every town and city in evry country of the world.
I was deeply challenged by the need there and htere was one person that I had the privaldge to meet that really got in to my heart and i hope that we made some kind of impact on her and i desperately hope that she gets in contact again one day and that she to experinces the freedom that I have found.
I got home exhusted every night knowing that there was another day ahead but God poured grace adn favour on us and as the week moved on into teh weekend I found my spirit soared and my natural strength ebbed but I have come home a changed p[erson with a knowing needed to seek God for my own walk but to encorperate others in the faith that I have found
On returing home I knew that i was due to have a conversation with my household leaders as to when I can move in at house family breakfast on sunday there were hints that I would be asked to wait and how was I going to cope with that I ache to live in community and to give up all that holds me back but God in his love for me prepared me through the day so that when we did get together I was able to take on board the answer to wait and to take in why but I now have a frame work and I am clear as to why and that we have work to do so that when we move in we are not crushed and in view of the fact that we are going to be staying 4 nights a week and all school holidays i guess tht is going to be a real trainig ground I am part of the team andwe work as a team adn I am building for eternity and I know that by june we will be doing this full time
in the mean time promise might have a common purse issue with having to buy new doors coz i keep bashing em down in my entusiasm to be here doing the business full time

travelling lighter !!!!!

I went back to my roots this week to spend time with my folks.
my relationship with my mum has not always been easy and my dad bless him drives me nuts.
But in it all i know that they need jesus and I relise how i need the grace to accept them in all that they are. And realising that Folks around me also need a bucketful of grace to cope with me is a humbling experince.
It is all to easy to see other folks faults and to major on what is wrong with others and to think that we are perfect is all to easy.
It is when we begin to realise that we are the ones that are difficult and do not fit in the perfect square hole that is when God can reach us and begin to mold us into something that has the potential to be beautiful.


Last week I went away to vist some friends at a community house up north even though they share my vision and live community I craved to be home (promise) with the living stones which i am building with.
Going away this week just seemed to be harder than ever.
Do not get me wrong I love my parents so much. I arrived back at Whitestone to pick my daughter up and when I walked in they had begun their grace time and I realised just being in the world for a a couple of days hiow dry I had become.
That may sound strange but It has made me realise how vigilant I need to be over the things of the spirit.
I got home to promise and realised just how out of sorts I was and spent a while just soaking in the spirit that was around the house there was noone around as everyone had gone out to tea or had already gone to bed. But he spirit of the house was one of restoring me.
II went off to bed and just rested in God
I have woken this morning there is still noone around but that does not matter as there is a beautiful spirit around and once the day gets going folks will be popping up and I have the joy of preparing a meal for my family to return home to.
Now that is natural family
Ah Lord may my blood family see you and your Kingdom

out of love for those that matter

right I have gone black coz i care about your eyes
I have temporaily moved into promise house for the summer..... Am I challenged? to righty. is it good ??? flippin brill.
It si the little things that seem to make me think.
I have had my own home for over 20 years now and have been responsable for my own cooking and washing and cleaning.
Well on sunday evening i was pining my tag on my washing so that Jenny knew where it was coming back to not that it could be mistaken as I think that i am the only one that does pink ... well the way i do...
And i never realised how much washing I generated and it made me think well I have only worn that once or for a few houras ect so it can go back on the hanger etc it was a real challenge now i refuse to apologise if that sounds shallow..
then there is thinking I will just sit curled up with a book for 20 mins and then one of the toddlers starts screaming and you wanna say shut up but it is not your child so it is not your place. And the n the mum is not in teh place emotionally to deal so what do you do get along side the mum?? who is in a state or teh child that is in a state???
then yoiu ahve had 6 people moan at you child.
Life is fantastic I love it and already my heart is breaking coz of the thought of going home in september
so what is next????
who is gonna be brave enough to say Dee i need your car today so you ahve to change your plans bring it on let the cross cut deep
I am away for a few days now but will up date in a day or so

Are you happy with who you are

Are you happy with who you are?

That was a question i was asked last night!

Was I happy That God created me a woman?

I guess it is all too easy to spend our lives scrrying around from one scheme to the next trying to prove our worthyness and value as woman fighting to prove that we can do life with out the need for a man. Screaming at the world becasue we want equality we do not want to be seen as needing to be under authority.

Many of us trying to be Men as asspose tot eh womaen That God in his infite wisdom made us.

I ahve to say I am very Happy to be A woman and not have to be held accountable as to weather i did a good job as far as shepherding and having spitual responsbality for others. I know that i fight and wriggle sometimes but i am glad to be a woman under a mans authority.

I realise that in it all the healing that has taken place It is like the last 30 odd years i have been emerging out of a dark tunnel like a butterfly comeing out of being a catapillar.

But i have found my place In a wonderful diverse Kingdom where no matter what teh blemish is I am loved and accepted and I can move in the healing grace of the king of glory and no one can ever take that away from me no matter what the futre may hold.

One thing that I realised is that I do not want to be single strange statement to make it is something that I ahve struggled with anc considered a life of singleness for God but realised that it would ahve not been a sacreifice it would ahve been a convience as i would have been hiding from the inner pain and turmil that was very real

I realised that I am clumsey and walk over peoples feelings but I see it as a posative that I am able to recognise that becasue i can work at rtying to be a little more sensative and supportive to those God has choosen to surround me with and that my needs are not paramount.

I Love the life that God has brought me into

dispite my last post I am very happy at being a mum yes regretful that I did not do it differently but hey who am I to rtegrett what God had ordained before the world was even created

So yes i can resoundingly say Thank You God for making me me

no I do not anylonger wish i was a butterfly I am happy being the woman God is shaping me into

the end of my rope !!!!

I have had it I am throwing in the towel.
If God was to take me back in time and say yoiu now have a choice be a parent or not I would opt not to be...... Do not take that wrong I love my kids and i would die for them.... But the pain of being parent is sometimes too hard..... And life as a single parent is soooooo lonley and I have had enough. I look at my kids I have 2 that are screwed up on drugs one of which i saw tonight and he looked a mess and is wearing the same clothes he was 2 weeks ago, all i get from him is manipulation and disrepect and i can not do this any more and the older one all i seem to get is can you help we need money or food or what ever I am tired.
And the younger two well my daughter is so dam abocessed with going to hang out on street corners and at teh godivia staue in cov where all the flippin goths and druggies hang out all I have had for weeks is her bangin on that she has no freedom and how much she wants to be 18 so she can get away from me and this week end we had a festival in cov and she wanted to go I said no and stuck to it and she is so full of resentment and i can not do this any more
and my younger one has started to do stuff that is not good whaich i will not go in to but follows the path of two of my other children and i feel so flippin alone
I lost it when we got home tonight and told them they can do what they want as i am resigning i am not doing anything any more i will not stop them from doing anything it is their life i am too worn down to carry on
GOD help please i can not do this any more
I so wanted my kidws childhoods to be full of happy memories and all i ahve ended up with is damged kids
i wanna shout and scream
my heart is breaking and it is so dam painful and i do not know where to go for hgelp
I come over as capable but i am not all i ever wanted was to get married be a good wife and mother and i ahve stuffed that up
I have ended uyop with 4 damaged kids 4 bad relationships and a failed marriage
I am tred and weary and i can not go on and i am fed up withbeing dependable and reliable
I want the world t know that i do not have a clue what i am doing and i am worn out with trying I need rescuing well my kids need rescuing

so where or what??

I have been challenged of late about thinkning about my fellow bros and sisters and how i can build relationship.
Life is so very busy as so many will testify to and it is so easy to let a week/month /few months go by and realise that I ahve lost a close one due to the business of life.
so if yoiu are one of thsoe close ones that i ahve neglected or even not such a close one then i am sorry please forgive my blinkerd view of my own exisitance please feel free to entreat me in to looking at the wider world out side of the land of dee.
Any way my boss asked me to think of a question for brotherhood the other day. well I had jut finished reading James blog about an evening they had had at home building so I thought that i wopuld pick the brains and experinces of my fellow zion dwellers and see what they came up with.
there was a few that said thay find that finding time and space to pray together helps break down barriers that we put up one said he found that climbing a moutain helped
then tehre were a couple of lovely folks sugested absailing and jumping out of planes and such
not quite what was on my heart
for me i think that going somewhere away from the modern day life away from the phone and computer and mobile and going basic appeals to me
any way today i was at promise and we were clearing out the freezer it was amazing how much i got to know the person i was clearing out the freezer with and we talked more than we had in a while which was so good
so i realised that building does not ahve to be a special time set apart you can do it and be really blessed in a very simple way
saying that I am going to walk througha forest tomorrow with a dear friend we are climbing up in to the tree tops and do teh sky walk i can not wait
sp ahve a good weekend and remeber weather simple daily stuff or special times it is possible to build something beautiful

parent hood where is the manual

parent hood is possibly one of the thoughest callings in life it is the most painful and the most rewarding and I seem to stumble though realising that I do not have a clue what i am doing and Hoping beyond hope that I can bring my chiildren up with the least amount of damage as possible
but realising that if i could have attainted such a feat that is bring up children un damaged then they would never see their need of God becasue they would be perfect so their fore they would be in glory.
Any way I have 4 children 2 of which have left home very damaged souls and have dcended in to drink and drugs and all that life entails homelessness and jobless lives and collecting other lost souls along the way growing more self centred as each day seems to pass
All i will say is that I have faith to trust and believe that there is a glimer on the hozion i can not and will not ever give up believing that one day they will come in to a fall and free life through Jesus.
But i think my reason for writing this post was My daughter is not happy that i will not allow her to go into the city contre and just hang out and it is not helped my by son saying that I should relax and allow her to have a social life but in my eyes as soon as i relaxed and allow the boys to go and hang out that is wehere the rot set in and their lives decended in to drugs crime and drink
so I guess that in view of what happened with the boys that is why I am so over protective with my daughter
there are many other reasons but i really do not know how to strike a healthy balance
I want my daughter to grow intot eh healthy well balanced woman i know that she is destined to e but i feel totally helpless in how to acheive this
all thoughts would be appreciated
I know that iun my heart of hearts God is going to honour my heart it is just hard and often painful when he works things through with us

beauty

I have been realising of late just how much beauty there is in this world. we often are so busy that we refuse to allow ourselves time and space to enjoy the beauty of the great artist and musician.

Sunset often inspire me and when i saw how beautiful this was i felt that i had to share it's beauty with you.

tonight was a very different thursday night for me normally i would be at promise house with the rest of the household enjoying the beauty of friendship. Tonight I went to my sons school he was in a concert where he was playing a solo on the flute I was so proud of him becasue I ahve watched him pover the last 9 months work hard to bring music from flute i remeber in the early days as he struggled to remeber where his fingers should be going and tonight I watched as he moved swiftly over the keys and produced a beautful sound and he beamed and i beamed. I took a close friend with me he s a single guy that has not got children and never will as he has choosen to stay single so that he is free to build the church.,
any way he came and experince the joy of children pouring their selfs out for a few moments of recognition.
and then when i got home there were a few friends here waiting for me then we shared a meal together and i looked around the table and realised that I would give everything for every ione that was sat around my dining table tonight as i looked on this scene of beautful friendship becasue of the cross the birds were singing in the garden and I realised that i did not need fancy things this was more than sufficent and how blessed i was to be surrounded by precious family that share a common viosn and the most beautiful music that is possible to preduce what more does one need

healing grace on grace on grace

well it has been a day or so since i last posted
following the healing on sunday ofm my ankle Praise God he is faithful and just and he loves to shower his children with gifts of love and mercy.
life has been a bit manic. but God never ever ceases to surprise me.
God greatly blessed me with the provision of a new car Thankyou God.
and last night he blesed me again becasue it is my heart not to hold on to pocessioins and i ahve been looking at how i can afford to open up my insurance for others to drive the car and now i have found an insurance company that i can afford to do that with Thanks God. just got to go and get keys cut.
I got up early today to prepare for tonight we are having 25 hours of worship and i am faciliating 1 hour in the morning so i wanted to take some time and space out of the day to prepare and i knew that the only option was to get up early I think that God must have agreed coz he woke me up at ^ it now almost the time that i would normally get up and I have just finished Thanks God.
The enemy is a sly slimey beast and he trys to undermine the work that God does in his saints but we have the victory by the blood of our precious Jesus and there is nothing that he can do that God does not give him permission to do.
on wed I had planned this day with a precios mate that i do not get much time with and although we had a fantastic day it was cut short when i realised that I needed to go to the doc as i had picked up a infection on hte back of my hand But in Christ i am healed Thank you God for my continued healing
even when the symptoms are still there Still declare your healing that has been my experince becasue God meets us in out faith.
Wed was a bit of a sad day as well we took our beloved chincillias to their new home... in view of the fact that we are going to move into community we knew that was not the right enviroment for the chins so we knew that sometime over this year we would ahev to rehome them but God has meet us in grace at that place as well. They have gone to live at a friends house so it means we can still enjoy them and we know trhey will be so well cared for So thanks God for making the potential trauma so easy to overcome.
along with the chinchillas we ahve down sized our very large video collection And God is making this journey so worth while.
And ovewr the last week i ahve been addressing head on the issues of ocd and how i view me as a person and how i am so hooked on image and i am trusting God for healing and i am taking back the ground that the enemy thought he had on me BUT I have hte victory in jesus name sin and sickness are under my feet
any way time to go and be a mum

the weekend over !!!! and now what???

Hi it has been a couple of days coz i has been away again at promise ....... My weekend retreat...:)
so what has the weekend been filled wiv???
well power power and more power yeah.
On saturday we had an open air event in the centre of coventry it was well cool we were there decalring to the city that God reigns no matter what.
I was watching a lot of what was going on as i was not as mobile as normal coz i had a real painful ankle i have been suffering from tentonitis for over 3 months and it was really bad.
But i was watching my wonderful daughter and she was getting stuck in whaich i ahve not seen before she is really begining to grow she had her red cross tee shirt on and was proud to wear it.
she got involved with a song that was going on and some other stuff too. and then i saw her talking with another sister to a group of teen lads about jesus that was fantastic.
When we got back to promise we all chilled around the meal table for over an hour which is always cool we just sat and chatted adn listen to some of piers advebtures he had been away to sctland for a few day with some brothers it is always good to hear of other folks adventures.
then we sat around trying desperately to fuinish a jigsaw that had been on the go for over a week .
now this may sound totally borning but it was sheer beauty there is nothing more beautiful that a group of folks sharing their hearts and sharing vision and purpose there is all age groups from 11 to over 50 all sat around the table sharing hopes dreams visions and inspirations it is so beautiful if you doubt that come and see.
on sunday evening we had our meeting. I had been in quite severe pain for 3 days with my ankle
stuart and shaz prayed and goid healed it immediately and i went from hardly being able to cope with walking obn it to jumping and leaping and dancing for about 30 mins and then driving home that had been a real source of irritation. God is so good to us and often surprises me
I wrote in my last entry about the song that had been in my heart well it has not let up yet every time i get in the car i just have to keep playing it. it is such a love stry of jesus and his bride.
when stuart was praying earler jesus was wispering in my ear once again about singleness for him
celebacy is such a precious gift adn a real source of strngth and purity for the church for those that can embrace it.
I know that God is calling me to to this life but i so do not know if i can
what if i stuff up
what if i taint that level of purity
he is drawing me in as a lover draws one in to a level of intamacy that only you and your lover is able to share
but i am so scared becasue all my relationships ahev been failures
what i really want is a sucessful relationship
but i know that is not going to happen
i know that i must do but i do not know if i can I am not that old and i do not know if i can live the rest of my life single

when God surprises you

what a week it has been and God never failed to surprise me in any way in he cares for us.
My emotions have been oon such a rollercoaster this week and then today i was listening to a song that just blew me away completly it is so beautiful it talks abbout the love that Christ has for us and how he gave himself so freely for us.

I ahve to say that it is going to be one of those moments that stick with me forever.
I could not work what my block was as far as God was and it struck me totally this morning in a blinding flash good job that here were angels around the car as i was driving.
My issue at relating to God was to do with that the only way i saw him was as father and not as a lover or husband and becasue of this song I can see him as my lover/husband ( no do not questin me on my stand as far as celibacy) (one step at a time)
I am sure that yoiu are now wondering what this song was now it was sung by natalie grant and it is called becasue of loveit has lines like
above all power above all nature above all treasures in this earth you were there before the world began above all kingdoms of the earth you thought of me
crucified laid behind a stone rejected and alone, like a rose trampled on the ground, youi took the fall and all becasue of me
it was at this point i saw Jesus as my lover and he as mine
so no matter what stress i am in i need to remeber that ti is nothing compared to the hunilitaion that he suffered and all the time i was on his mind
ther eis so much of my mind that is taken up by me and so little that is taken up by jesus, I am so grateful that is my mind and not Jesus's becasue we would be in such a sorry state if Jesus thought only of him there is no way he would ahve gone to the cross

when discipleship knocks is it as attractive as i thought???

Well as I put in my introduction this blog was about my path toward living full time in christain community.
I have longed and ached to be in community sometimes it hurts.
Any way last week end there was some very serious talking going on about myself and my children moving in this coming august.
Well yesterday was so one of those days that at the time i wished that the day never happened i am sure that we all have a day like that.
Any way i arrived at promise last night for Agape (meeting that those of us that are in coveneat attend)
And one of my precios leaders asked to see me I was already so very fragile and really on the edge.
Any way he explained that in the leaderships opinion it really would be best for My daughter for us to hold off till she was 16 before we came into community.
ouch ouch corr that hurt.
I sat there and nodded and not really saying much and after he struggled to grasp really how i was accepting this he left the room leaving me with my close friend.
Any way at this point it felt like my heart had been cut out. there ws no way my pride was going to allow me to stay and sit through agape i needed to go home.
As i pulled out of promise drive my conscience was already kicking in. By the time i reached the traffic lights 100 meters away i knew that i should go back by the time i got tot eh canal bridge i was in my head on my way back
so I got to the roundabout at the end of the road turned around and drove back barely able to see becasue i was crying so hart and the pain was so intense i had to scream outloud only who was going to hear there was me in the car and God please do not ask this of me God it is far to painful todo this again.... this was the 7th time that the answer had been not yet.... Oh God what are you doing please please.
I arrived back at promise and sat in the car and my mobile went off it was a text from my friend telling me to hang on in there.
I so did not want to go back in the house i did not want my leader to see the mess i was but as my dear friend pointed out that it was about being real and not being afraid to be who i am.
So in I went made a drink and sat outside then teh leaders wife came out and sat with me and said little but was just there and as we talked well as i did and she listened i realised how many folks were missing tonight and so i knew that i had to go in and give. Agape is where we gain strength.
After agape my dear friend came back home and we talked some more and every time i tried to go there was something else i needed to apologise for any wya eventualy i was together enough to drive.
I got home safetly and did a few last min prepartaions for my daughters birthday and fell in to bed
But my head was wizzing at a million thoughts a minute most of them from the devil
the draw to go dowstairs and get a knife and mutilate myself wass so very strong I was angry i lay in bed nad cried out for jesus to help me to get through the night i was in such turmoil and physical pain.
next thing the alarm was going God has brought me through the night and there was no self harming much to my gratitude and releif
And I woke with imense peace and reassurance in my heart
I sat down to breakfast and talked stuff through with teh children adn they gave their thoughts which have been fed back to the leadership and we are on course for summer 2007 to be when we give up all for the kingdom
yep discipleship hurts like hell sometimes but it is so beautiful

when life is a washing machine

do you ever have one of those days where you feel that you ahve been in dragged inside out and twirled around and then thrown out like a drowned rat??? well if you ahve you will know that feeling..
I drove home today thinking I can not go on i really wanna do some serious damage...
I do not know if you know that feeling...... But i know all to well how i would then feel if i dod I would be back into a cyle of guilt and failure... And the only one that gets the glory then is the devil and i am soooooooo not going there he has enough attention not willing to give him more.
so I had 2 options i could go down the route of negativity or a i could jump in the car go home scream at God forgive the folks that had stired up all the pain and anger i feel and maybe txt a mate and say pray for me i feel vunerable and weak. and i am in a serious risk factor of going down a path that God is healing me from.
so that is what i did i txt a mate and i came home looked at my kids having screamed a bit at God and realised the blessing that behold me and vocalised my gratitiude to the father in the full knowlede That i am a daughter of the most high God who has been damaged by the devil but i am in the process of being healing by the most high Father
so even though i feel like a drowned rat in the physical i knwo that i am am standing on the true rock and walking in the vicory that was bought at the highest price possible by my creator God
so that i can realise the freedom that his cruel humiliating death has bought for me

kalidiscope (spelt wrong i am sure)

perfection perfection I am realising that i expect from people a standard that is not mine to issue.
It is so easy to box people in and expect things from them that there are no in a position to deliver, And who am i in my inperfect state to expect anything.
There is only one person that walked this fallen sin ridden world that can demand perfect and not even he made that dmeand on us becasue he knew that we would never attain it.
He has put me in place where there are so many different people from so many different backgrounds and leveled us out In a life of equality and simplicty.
I for so long have battled with how i view people perceive me But i ahve not until recently thought about how i perceive other people and i relise that i am so judgemental and i put people in to boxes and i resrict tehm and with hold love and acceptance from them, who am I to do this for crying out loud if God woth held love and acceptance and grace and forgiveness from me what a flippin mess i would be in ( well a bigger mess than i am already)
funny coz my entry was going to be about somethign else completely
I guess that is the running word to me right now is to accept lest I with hold it from you (gulp)
discipleship discipleship discipleship let the cross go deeper in me let me die to self All i ask it to be living in you kingdom grace Lord.
THis weekend i realised that I can not hold back as far as moving in to style 3 community and I have asked my leadership to look as to weather i can move in this summer and i am waiting to hear.
Next week i am taking my beloved chincillas to their new home we are goi9ng to scale down life and live as close to style 3 in our own home even if my leadership ask me to wait till easter
the kindom is wotrth the pain of discipleship

information

today was one of those days that has made me think about how I communicate.
Why you maywell ask.
Well i went to work and my boss said to me........ Hope you do not mind!!!!! with intreidation i smiled and said go on thinking am i going to regret this....... But hey i am craving discipleship I thought so time to put my heart where my mouth is.
So he said I have noticed that when you are telling someone something you give them soooooo much unecassary infomation. I sat there for a breif moment and thought now shall i explain myself away of shall i take it an act on it.
in that moment I thought no i am not going to exlain myself away I trust this guy and I want to be a disciple so I must trust my brethren to point out in me areas of growth
so I thank him and Now i ahve been trying to think about what I am saying and if i need to say it..... I am sure that my lovely brethren that know me will be releived and will wait to see the changes and point out if i slip back in to pasive mindless chatter.
Time for all those insecurites of sitting in silence with my brethren to be nailed on the cross ,
I had the joy recently of having hearing aids fitted. And this morning was one of those days where i really appreciated them becasue in the drive in to work i listened and heard many wonderful sounds that i would not have heard before, simple things that i had forgotten like the beauty of the birds singing and i realised that God is the most wonderful musicain, I guess he was preparing me for realising that i do not need to natter away for the sake of it