the weeping saviour

sounds confussing
well that is sort of how i feel at he moment
although my feet are firmly on the rock I am going through a time that to some in the world would be seen as an emotional break down but I would have to say that it is more like God breaking my will.
Painful yes indeded it is but at the same time it is very beautiful there are no words that can discribe it coz words make it all seem condrictionary
here is an extract from the Hawk and the dove that put it al little more clearly i think
but maybe not
I have been reading the section Called the wounds of God it focuses on a monk called francis who has endured much pain in his life and the Abbot is pursaded by another monk to probe a little the pain that unfolds is deep. this poor man has held it in
he sees that he brother hood is so precious but he belives that he is not worthy to stay but has stived and struggled to be accepted but he just feels condemed
then the Aboot says if you can not put the darkness out of your mind then maybe you should face it. Frrancis feels that it will destroy him and so does the abbot
so he opens the door and goes out in to the night he hears a sound and follows it he hears someone weepinghe belives tht there is someone in trouble so follows the sounds of sobbing /weeping "And someone is crying in the darkness in bitter destress. I can't find him. I'm searching for him looking everywhere . Wait-there, under the trees. A man, crounching, bowed down to the ground, Oh the lonliness of him. He is broken. Hes- he's afraid. I've never seen a man in such despair ... I must Go and... Oh God, it's Jesus!Out here alone. Jesus.... he was out here even before I came out >He was out here all the time, in the lonley place where abadonment and fear belong. He has always been here. I think it... it is gethsemane.
What are you going to do? asked peregrine (the Abbot) in fascination. Brother Francis looked at him incredulousy. Do? Stay with him Of course I can not leave him alone in this destress. I couldn't abandon him. Jesus, my heart my Love.. His courage is the hearth of the night. As long as he is here, in the darkness is home The outside has become the very centre. Jesus... My lord and my God.
then a little while on
There was some thing that peregrine wanted to know. He was He was reluctant to intrude on francis's comtemplation. Then he said the door of that house did you shut it behind you when you went out?
No I was scared to go out. I wanted to leave a way back in. You can shut it behind you now, I'll be alright here.
The resuce of the pain damage agony. The beauty of Jesus who goes through it with us every step of the way and then some
Yesterday I was in the most intense agony I think that i Have ever been in as a christian and I had been in for a few days I know what God was calling me to lay down for him But it all seems so scarey Like an endless dark emptiness that I could not even consider stepping into
And then a brother stood up at the end of the meeting and twisted the knife a little more when he talked about suffering for zion with out suffering for zion zion would die because it would not be precious to us we would no longer fight for the cause that God had laid on our hearts it would become somethig that would become disguarded
I do not know how i am going to tread the path that God has asked me to but I have said I am willing to surrender it to him and if it comes back then the mantle i will embrace
But right now it is just too painful to embrace it would cut me and destroy me and I know that is not what God has intended
those that know me may know what all of this means please pray that I can walk the path in truth and purity
I know that I have to step out in to he darkness and embrace my weeping saviour



just come back in to add that this is not about me feeling the need to be accepted !! (Well that is not what i felt as i wrote this someone may read this and think that i am feeling insecure about my standing in God or where i fit in that is not the case Maybe it is just time to accept that God has a plan for my Life that is not totally in line with what I imagined and i am sur e that if i just lift my vision a little and embrace the cross die to self and Life for Jesus then well who knows.... except God

Can I fly???? yes I can

Last night I got together with a couple of other sisters we had a group called DGB (disciple grow band)
And we were asked How we were last night in terms of if we were spiritually challenged and how we were dealing with it.
It is about 3 months or so since we meet and initally I thought well was I feeling the challenge?
Many would say that being a single parent was challenging enough.
Living in christian cummunity sharing home and life with 20 other folks plus others that are committed to the life/cause was challenge enough
I guess tehy are but that come fairly natural to me these are things that I have craved for for years disiring to live in community has burned on my soul for 15 years being in a place where i can give to God and the serve in his church and give myself to people I have ached for but not been in a place to do this untill now.
But i realised that the biggest thing that has challenged me over the past few months was the fact that a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.
Although the children are my ultimate responsablity there are tohers who have been and continue to carry a little of that burden these days and for the first time in 21 or so years I realised that God in his mercy has brought me to a place of rest.
He has provided the missing bits in the jigsaw of my childrens lives but he has done it in a way that I could never have done, And it is so so beautiful and i am at times reduced to tears
KNowing that you have folks that lobve your children and are committed to your children with teh same intensity as you are is really quite humbling and I remain everso grate to God.
He has cut away so many strings that held my wings bound to my side so that I can Fly and soar on the thermals of his love
As much as it is humbling it is a place of rejoicing

Hawk and the dove

NOw those that know me know that i am not a reader
I still remeber the feeling of shame when a certain brother was shocked to hear that i had not read the narnia books (but i am over the shame and humiliation of that one!!!!)
But A dear friend sat and read a story last week to me from the this book and i was captured (my daughter happened to have a copy) I often have read books and gained nothing it has just been empty wordds on a page that do not compute to anything other than confussion in my head so i gave up.
BUt this book has captured me
It is so so beautiful the storys have been handed down through a familys and were then published
It is not just how the monks struggle to find their idnity in God or the stuggles to overcome pride and self demial or even coping with living/working/worshipping with folks that getunder your skin (tis quite quite beautiful) but what has captured me above all of this is the young girl who the storys are being told to her ablity to grasp God at such a young age she is what can almost be discribed as an alien in her world out side of her Natural family.
there is so much of me that yeans for her simple ablity just to crave and accept and revel in the peace and acceptance she has from and in God
the childlike blity is something that is beyond our ablity as adults to capture becasue we complicate life with our issues and hang ups
do not get me wrong she had hang ups and issues but she still had her eyes firmly on the source of her peace well beautiful

randomly thinking

can you make too many life changing discissions too quickly I guess that is sort of what s on my mind right now.
Not so much thinking about destiny or where we are going to be living or anything major like that coz i am clear in me head about those things
I am sat here knowing that there is a celibates meeting tonight at cornhill and I wish i was there. I have been on the last two years ahh it is so beautiful I have never experince such strength yet gentleness, beauty and puirty of worship like i did there is was so special.
I ahve been single for 11 years and that was a discission that i made first off coz i needed time and space then becasue i wanted to hear from God as to what he wanted and also i was so aware that i needed to go through a time of healing, I know that i am still going through a time of healing and that will continue till I reach glory.
Any way about 18 months ago i decided that i was going to do a time as a probationary celibate and seek God over my futre my leadership at the time did not have any strong wisdom either way. any way after about 10 months i felt that was not the course my life should take at that point
there had been so much going on in my life and it really was not the time to jump on a band wagon
plus i was in a real chrisis about my self image as i had lost loads of weight and i was really unsure about who i was.
so when i moved to promise i made a point of sharing that i was no longer doing probationary and that i did not feel that it was the path for me
it is such a precious gift and for me if i blew it that would be the worst that could be and i could never revisit and that was too much of a risk for me personally to betray the ultimate bride was too much too take on
any way I realised that i was also so convinced that i was unmarryable I did not belive that anyone would look at me i held no prospect of any one ever looking and seeing that i could possible be loveable of anything near wife material ( maybe to a degree that is still the case)
Any wya in all of I realised that i desperately want God to bless me with a husband that will love and respect me.
but tehre is part of me that really envys folks that can embrace the celibate gift but realising that is not me has been painful be also a time of growth and now i have to move on with a vision and resolve in my heart but i guess there will always be a little bit of my heart that will pang at these times in our church calender
any way enough of my ramblings

new rooms new era

hi folks
I know that i have not been posting too often somefing to do with life being busy ... wel plinly crazy if i am honest.
Well It is All change for us as a family (me and my 2 children) and for us as a house family Those of us who live in at promise house) There has been lots of business going on for weeks with one family along with help preparing the top floor of the house so that they could move up there freeing their rooms for us to move into and for a single sister to move in. Well this all happeed finally ove rhte weekend... (up untill that point myself and my daughter had been in one room on the ground floor and my son had been in a room the other end or the house on the top floor( (quite manic when i over slept in the mornings)
Any way we are now in our family rooms that is a large room with a bit extra for my self and my daughter and a room for my son adn a bathroom . it is great so we are busy making it home...(only not too homely or we will not want to be in the rest of the house which defeats the need for community)
So have we moved in well almost we are now at promise 6 nights a week and we have 1 night a week at our place 9 i ahve to admit that i find it hard i want to be here all the time but if it was not tought it would not mean any thing
litle things have been said and happened that make me feel like we belong of late like one of the leaders refurring to my car as a community.
I was not too sure of the impact this journey would ahve on the children moving from having their own home tv and all that the world has to offer to sharing a home with other familys/singles I would be nieve if i was not concerned esp my daughter i really did not think that she would cope, but there was and is so much grace I think that since we moved in in july the children have only once or twice complained they are bored which was a phrase that cropped up all the time in the past it is clear that t.v and internet and all that they had in the world does not square up in any way to the kingdom life that is full busy and colourful.
My son went to a friends sleep over on friday night and when i picked him up he was with drawn and quite i was so worried i thought ...... well i will not tell you what i thought.. any way it was over 30 minute car drive back to promise so we were able to chat coming home and it became clear that the issue was he missed being at home at promise he could not cope with not having his family and with in a few short mins of being home he had gone round hugging the folks that matter and he was back to his noisy chatty self
as for my daughter she is unrecognisable as the girl that moved in with me in july she is growing into a young woman who loves God and see her life very much a work of grace
all i can say is if you have not yet taken a risk and asked God into your life do it life will never be the same again
all this world has to offer can't campare to the joy that we have and are finding in living all out for jesus
God is a genius and community rocks
I have lived my life many other ways and would i go back there never i would not have it any other way