Home is where???? it's where my heart belongs

Last night some of us got together well About 50 of us gathered together at kings house one of the community houses to explore community. Words are often limited for me (well words that express things properly) it was totally awesomlty amazingly beautiful And that does not scratch the surface.
We talked about brotherhood ( don't get hung up and the brother bit it is about relationship only more and deeper and more comitted and more just more) We talked about money and why we choose not to have any personal money (now I thought that was always going to be my stumbling block but so far I am loving it do not get me wrong I have my struggles but on balance it is much less of a struggle than when you ahve to deal with personal finacees) We talked about kingdom marriage and celibacy.
It was so awesome the room was full of my wonderfully diverse family.
There were folks that have been around since community was in its infacy and the love and knowledge that they share is so valuable (we owe them so much) there were those that have come in ove the years and some like myself that are only babies in comunity and then there are thos that are waiting and aching to join so lovely we were leveled there was no dividing lines we were just family gathered to talk about this wonderfully God inspired culture where we all are equal
the evenign vanished as we finshed sat around an open fire driking hot soup and munching on warm crusty rolls and gingerbread men
simplicy rocks

the simple things that do it why??

I have had a funny couple of days and i think that the enemy has come in on tht really..(as ever he is a coward)
today i am really quite weepy
I spent teh day with my son and his girlfriend away from home except I popped back at lunch time for some food. (had this feeling that I was intruding like I should not be here almost as if i had upset those that were here just by being here!!!!
Any way I had to pop to rugby and on theway stopped off to fill the car I know that I was distracted by the atmosphere I thought that I picked up on and then John and kib had a bit of an arguement so there was atmophere in the car. stopped off to get petrol and then put teh expensive stuff in, this was playing on my mind.
then I got all in my head about how much I have taken just recently my needs from common purse seem to out weight what I am giving
I know that part of closing down a property and a child starting school costs
I am in bits now infact I have written a note to my common purse decon coz I feel so bad
I know that it is not a massive thing but in my head it is and now I am looking for ways to get by with out the things I need just to cut down on my demands
I know that I have to get through agape tonight which is normally the high light of the week for me
this is so much harder than I ever thought that it was going to be

walking through community

I thought that I would try really hard to post every day for a week walk a week in my shoes I guess.
Yesterday was sunday
now I could do fleshly abut yesterday as all my old niggly moans and goans seem to dominate my day.... (hmm that does seem to be a patten)
Yesterday morning worship was really inspiring we were singing a song about God being holy and it occurred to me what is holy what did it mean??? Did I ever really look on God as holy and how could I if I was not sure what it ment.... Hmm must look at that again.
Any way God spoke to me clearly he spoke about how I used the excuses not to look on his glory that my eyes were down cast and so was my soul and that I had to raise my vision and look to the horizon so that I could see the blessings and the dangers.....
then I lost it with a brother that soooo windes me up I was in the mini bus waiting to come home and I was not relaxed as I was the only sister in the back and it was full of brothers most of them I did not know so asked this brother to swap he refused so I got out and said I would find another way to get home any way my house hold leaders insisted that he moved so he decided to walk I did feel bad but I know that this brother and I really do bring out teh worst in each other ( I think that he reminds me too much of my natural dad)
I was really feeling insecure there did not seem to be many regular folks around but many visitors that brings out the eobbles in my soul and shows how many holes God still needs to repair.
I disappeared for a while had a few bits to do down my room (excuses really) but God soon sorted that out and I bowed the knee and went back to give myself.]
tthere was a growing resentment in my soul which I am aware i need to tackle
there are so many that come around that take community for grated I feel like they are walking over zion,s beauty and rubbing her face in the dirt and that makes me angry
any way at teh evening meeting God shone forth and showed a few disrepectful chav's that God is not what tey thought that that Church is not a dark dingy building that is freezing cold noone around here speak in hushed tones Praise God
After supper I had to get to grips with common purse only the second time so all feels very new and I have not got a clue what I am doing it is kinda weird having to tell someone what you need cash for and having to be accountable for what you had done with your cash from last week but it is so freeing and it is like a massive weight has been lifted and I am loving it

So this is the life I am living and I would not have it any other way

Zion has the power to rebuid

well the last couple of posts ahve been about my struggles so I thought that I should testify to Gods amzing grace and mercy.

The super glue that holds me together is forever strong. (my kingdom family)
After sunday evening meeting I knew that I had to let God just do whatever he needed to do inorder to break me and build me into the new ceaion person that I am.
On monday I finally found the energy/courage/desperation to let God in (with a little help from my friends that is)
But was not yet at teh point where I had the courage/confidence to say no matter how painful this is I am gonna let you heal me.
Wednesday night a dear close friends said are you ready???
Well I did not have to deal with teh fear of humilatin if I fell to bits as it was in the privacy of my home (I share with 20 other peeps)
so we found a quite corner (not as easy as it sounds)
I was not sure where God was going to take me too (sometimes you just know)
I just seem to open my mouth and the memories came tumbling out---- Along with the negative self evalutions and heatred/resentment and all the other rubbish that the devil ties us up with.
Then we brought it before God and prayed God in his mercy adn Love meet me and freed me. (please do not be sceptiacal it really happens and it is that easy)
Sometimes after freeing/deliverence you ahve to hang on in faith and trrust what has happened reallly has but this time I really knew that I had meet with God and something had shifted.
Thursday night I went to whitestone (one of our other community houses) It was the first time I had been with family adn worshipped since Gods healing and I really knew beyond all measure that I had meet with God and been freed. during the worship time I meet with God and MY spirit soared in to a place that I had never been before I walked hand in hand with the Father knowing that my family were there too.
Thank you father thank you zion for begining to rebuild me and taking me a damaged person and loving me

ahhhh

I wish that I could say that I have found some relief in my battle with soul pain but I ahve not....
Infact I think that it is more intense than ever and issues seem to be come in thick and fast.
I really need break through please God

I am seeing that the main issue that I have is men that have been in autority in my life and caused damage.
So my battle is not just undoing this but pushing through with God becasue my flesh tells me that I am under Gods authority God is man there fore he is going to cause me damage and abuse me Right.
But my spirit is NO NO NO NO
God is not going to damage you
my head and emotions can not compute

last night the meeting was agony and I spent most of the worship time throwing up I was in such pain and destress
I do not know how to progress I just know that I Have to hang on in there some how And hope beyond hope that it eases soon before I fall to bits completely