out of love for those that matter

right I have gone black coz i care about your eyes
I have temporaily moved into promise house for the summer..... Am I challenged? to righty. is it good ??? flippin brill.
It si the little things that seem to make me think.
I have had my own home for over 20 years now and have been responsable for my own cooking and washing and cleaning.
Well on sunday evening i was pining my tag on my washing so that Jenny knew where it was coming back to not that it could be mistaken as I think that i am the only one that does pink ... well the way i do...
And i never realised how much washing I generated and it made me think well I have only worn that once or for a few houras ect so it can go back on the hanger etc it was a real challenge now i refuse to apologise if that sounds shallow..
then there is thinking I will just sit curled up with a book for 20 mins and then one of the toddlers starts screaming and you wanna say shut up but it is not your child so it is not your place. And the n the mum is not in teh place emotionally to deal so what do you do get along side the mum?? who is in a state or teh child that is in a state???
then yoiu ahve had 6 people moan at you child.
Life is fantastic I love it and already my heart is breaking coz of the thought of going home in september
so what is next????
who is gonna be brave enough to say Dee i need your car today so you ahve to change your plans bring it on let the cross cut deep
I am away for a few days now but will up date in a day or so

Are you happy with who you are

Are you happy with who you are?

That was a question i was asked last night!

Was I happy That God created me a woman?

I guess it is all too easy to spend our lives scrrying around from one scheme to the next trying to prove our worthyness and value as woman fighting to prove that we can do life with out the need for a man. Screaming at the world becasue we want equality we do not want to be seen as needing to be under authority.

Many of us trying to be Men as asspose tot eh womaen That God in his infite wisdom made us.

I ahve to say I am very Happy to be A woman and not have to be held accountable as to weather i did a good job as far as shepherding and having spitual responsbality for others. I know that i fight and wriggle sometimes but i am glad to be a woman under a mans authority.

I realise that in it all the healing that has taken place It is like the last 30 odd years i have been emerging out of a dark tunnel like a butterfly comeing out of being a catapillar.

But i have found my place In a wonderful diverse Kingdom where no matter what teh blemish is I am loved and accepted and I can move in the healing grace of the king of glory and no one can ever take that away from me no matter what the futre may hold.

One thing that I realised is that I do not want to be single strange statement to make it is something that I ahve struggled with anc considered a life of singleness for God but realised that it would ahve not been a sacreifice it would ahve been a convience as i would have been hiding from the inner pain and turmil that was very real

I realised that I am clumsey and walk over peoples feelings but I see it as a posative that I am able to recognise that becasue i can work at rtying to be a little more sensative and supportive to those God has choosen to surround me with and that my needs are not paramount.

I Love the life that God has brought me into

dispite my last post I am very happy at being a mum yes regretful that I did not do it differently but hey who am I to rtegrett what God had ordained before the world was even created

So yes i can resoundingly say Thank You God for making me me

no I do not anylonger wish i was a butterfly I am happy being the woman God is shaping me into

the end of my rope !!!!

I have had it I am throwing in the towel.
If God was to take me back in time and say yoiu now have a choice be a parent or not I would opt not to be...... Do not take that wrong I love my kids and i would die for them.... But the pain of being parent is sometimes too hard..... And life as a single parent is soooooo lonley and I have had enough. I look at my kids I have 2 that are screwed up on drugs one of which i saw tonight and he looked a mess and is wearing the same clothes he was 2 weeks ago, all i get from him is manipulation and disrepect and i can not do this any more and the older one all i seem to get is can you help we need money or food or what ever I am tired.
And the younger two well my daughter is so dam abocessed with going to hang out on street corners and at teh godivia staue in cov where all the flippin goths and druggies hang out all I have had for weeks is her bangin on that she has no freedom and how much she wants to be 18 so she can get away from me and this week end we had a festival in cov and she wanted to go I said no and stuck to it and she is so full of resentment and i can not do this any more
and my younger one has started to do stuff that is not good whaich i will not go in to but follows the path of two of my other children and i feel so flippin alone
I lost it when we got home tonight and told them they can do what they want as i am resigning i am not doing anything any more i will not stop them from doing anything it is their life i am too worn down to carry on
GOD help please i can not do this any more
I so wanted my kidws childhoods to be full of happy memories and all i ahve ended up with is damged kids
i wanna shout and scream
my heart is breaking and it is so dam painful and i do not know where to go for hgelp
I come over as capable but i am not all i ever wanted was to get married be a good wife and mother and i ahve stuffed that up
I have ended uyop with 4 damaged kids 4 bad relationships and a failed marriage
I am tred and weary and i can not go on and i am fed up withbeing dependable and reliable
I want the world t know that i do not have a clue what i am doing and i am worn out with trying I need rescuing well my kids need rescuing

so where or what??

I have been challenged of late about thinkning about my fellow bros and sisters and how i can build relationship.
Life is so very busy as so many will testify to and it is so easy to let a week/month /few months go by and realise that I ahve lost a close one due to the business of life.
so if yoiu are one of thsoe close ones that i ahve neglected or even not such a close one then i am sorry please forgive my blinkerd view of my own exisitance please feel free to entreat me in to looking at the wider world out side of the land of dee.
Any way my boss asked me to think of a question for brotherhood the other day. well I had jut finished reading James blog about an evening they had had at home building so I thought that i wopuld pick the brains and experinces of my fellow zion dwellers and see what they came up with.
there was a few that said thay find that finding time and space to pray together helps break down barriers that we put up one said he found that climbing a moutain helped
then tehre were a couple of lovely folks sugested absailing and jumping out of planes and such
not quite what was on my heart
for me i think that going somewhere away from the modern day life away from the phone and computer and mobile and going basic appeals to me
any way today i was at promise and we were clearing out the freezer it was amazing how much i got to know the person i was clearing out the freezer with and we talked more than we had in a while which was so good
so i realised that building does not ahve to be a special time set apart you can do it and be really blessed in a very simple way
saying that I am going to walk througha forest tomorrow with a dear friend we are climbing up in to the tree tops and do teh sky walk i can not wait
sp ahve a good weekend and remeber weather simple daily stuff or special times it is possible to build something beautiful

parent hood where is the manual

parent hood is possibly one of the thoughest callings in life it is the most painful and the most rewarding and I seem to stumble though realising that I do not have a clue what i am doing and Hoping beyond hope that I can bring my chiildren up with the least amount of damage as possible
but realising that if i could have attainted such a feat that is bring up children un damaged then they would never see their need of God becasue they would be perfect so their fore they would be in glory.
Any way I have 4 children 2 of which have left home very damaged souls and have dcended in to drink and drugs and all that life entails homelessness and jobless lives and collecting other lost souls along the way growing more self centred as each day seems to pass
All i will say is that I have faith to trust and believe that there is a glimer on the hozion i can not and will not ever give up believing that one day they will come in to a fall and free life through Jesus.
But i think my reason for writing this post was My daughter is not happy that i will not allow her to go into the city contre and just hang out and it is not helped my by son saying that I should relax and allow her to have a social life but in my eyes as soon as i relaxed and allow the boys to go and hang out that is wehere the rot set in and their lives decended in to drugs crime and drink
so I guess that in view of what happened with the boys that is why I am so over protective with my daughter
there are many other reasons but i really do not know how to strike a healthy balance
I want my daughter to grow intot eh healthy well balanced woman i know that she is destined to e but i feel totally helpless in how to acheive this
all thoughts would be appreciated
I know that iun my heart of hearts God is going to honour my heart it is just hard and often painful when he works things through with us

beauty

I have been realising of late just how much beauty there is in this world. we often are so busy that we refuse to allow ourselves time and space to enjoy the beauty of the great artist and musician.

Sunset often inspire me and when i saw how beautiful this was i felt that i had to share it's beauty with you.

tonight was a very different thursday night for me normally i would be at promise house with the rest of the household enjoying the beauty of friendship. Tonight I went to my sons school he was in a concert where he was playing a solo on the flute I was so proud of him becasue I ahve watched him pover the last 9 months work hard to bring music from flute i remeber in the early days as he struggled to remeber where his fingers should be going and tonight I watched as he moved swiftly over the keys and produced a beautful sound and he beamed and i beamed. I took a close friend with me he s a single guy that has not got children and never will as he has choosen to stay single so that he is free to build the church.,
any way he came and experince the joy of children pouring their selfs out for a few moments of recognition.
and then when i got home there were a few friends here waiting for me then we shared a meal together and i looked around the table and realised that I would give everything for every ione that was sat around my dining table tonight as i looked on this scene of beautful friendship becasue of the cross the birds were singing in the garden and I realised that i did not need fancy things this was more than sufficent and how blessed i was to be surrounded by precious family that share a common viosn and the most beautiful music that is possible to preduce what more does one need