well it has been a day or so since i last posted
following the healing on sunday ofm my ankle Praise God he is faithful and just and he loves to shower his children with gifts of love and mercy.
life has been a bit manic. but God never ever ceases to surprise me.
God greatly blessed me with the provision of a new car Thankyou God.
and last night he blesed me again becasue it is my heart not to hold on to pocessioins and i ahve been looking at how i can afford to open up my insurance for others to drive the car and now i have found an insurance company that i can afford to do that with Thanks God. just got to go and get keys cut.
I got up early today to prepare for tonight we are having 25 hours of worship and i am faciliating 1 hour in the morning so i wanted to take some time and space out of the day to prepare and i knew that the only option was to get up early I think that God must have agreed coz he woke me up at ^ it now almost the time that i would normally get up and I have just finished Thanks God.
The enemy is a sly slimey beast and he trys to undermine the work that God does in his saints but we have the victory by the blood of our precious Jesus and there is nothing that he can do that God does not give him permission to do.
on wed I had planned this day with a precios mate that i do not get much time with and although we had a fantastic day it was cut short when i realised that I needed to go to the doc as i had picked up a infection on hte back of my hand But in Christ i am healed Thank you God for my continued healing
even when the symptoms are still there Still declare your healing that has been my experince becasue God meets us in out faith.
Wed was a bit of a sad day as well we took our beloved chincillias to their new home... in view of the fact that we are going to move into community we knew that was not the right enviroment for the chins so we knew that sometime over this year we would ahev to rehome them but God has meet us in grace at that place as well. They have gone to live at a friends house so it means we can still enjoy them and we know trhey will be so well cared for So thanks God for making the potential trauma so easy to overcome.
along with the chinchillas we ahve down sized our very large video collection And God is making this journey so worth while.
And ovewr the last week i ahve been addressing head on the issues of ocd and how i view me as a person and how i am so hooked on image and i am trusting God for healing and i am taking back the ground that the enemy thought he had on me BUT I have hte victory in jesus name sin and sickness are under my feet
any way time to go and be a mum
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
the weekend over !!!! and now what???
Hi it has been a couple of days coz i has been away again at promise ....... My weekend retreat...:)
so what has the weekend been filled wiv???
well power power and more power yeah.
On saturday we had an open air event in the centre of coventry it was well cool we were there decalring to the city that God reigns no matter what.
I was watching a lot of what was going on as i was not as mobile as normal coz i had a real painful ankle i have been suffering from tentonitis for over 3 months and it was really bad.
But i was watching my wonderful daughter and she was getting stuck in whaich i ahve not seen before she is really begining to grow she had her red cross tee shirt on and was proud to wear it.
she got involved with a song that was going on and some other stuff too. and then i saw her talking with another sister to a group of teen lads about jesus that was fantastic.
When we got back to promise we all chilled around the meal table for over an hour which is always cool we just sat and chatted adn listen to some of piers advebtures he had been away to sctland for a few day with some brothers it is always good to hear of other folks adventures.
then we sat around trying desperately to fuinish a jigsaw that had been on the go for over a week .
now this may sound totally borning but it was sheer beauty there is nothing more beautiful that a group of folks sharing their hearts and sharing vision and purpose there is all age groups from 11 to over 50 all sat around the table sharing hopes dreams visions and inspirations it is so beautiful if you doubt that come and see.
on sunday evening we had our meeting. I had been in quite severe pain for 3 days with my ankle
stuart and shaz prayed and goid healed it immediately and i went from hardly being able to cope with walking obn it to jumping and leaping and dancing for about 30 mins and then driving home that had been a real source of irritation. God is so good to us and often surprises me
I wrote in my last entry about the song that had been in my heart well it has not let up yet every time i get in the car i just have to keep playing it. it is such a love stry of jesus and his bride.
when stuart was praying earler jesus was wispering in my ear once again about singleness for him
celebacy is such a precious gift adn a real source of strngth and purity for the church for those that can embrace it.
I know that God is calling me to to this life but i so do not know if i can
what if i stuff up
what if i taint that level of purity
he is drawing me in as a lover draws one in to a level of intamacy that only you and your lover is able to share
but i am so scared becasue all my relationships ahev been failures
what i really want is a sucessful relationship
but i know that is not going to happen
i know that i must do but i do not know if i can I am not that old and i do not know if i can live the rest of my life single
so what has the weekend been filled wiv???
well power power and more power yeah.
On saturday we had an open air event in the centre of coventry it was well cool we were there decalring to the city that God reigns no matter what.
I was watching a lot of what was going on as i was not as mobile as normal coz i had a real painful ankle i have been suffering from tentonitis for over 3 months and it was really bad.
But i was watching my wonderful daughter and she was getting stuck in whaich i ahve not seen before she is really begining to grow she had her red cross tee shirt on and was proud to wear it.
she got involved with a song that was going on and some other stuff too. and then i saw her talking with another sister to a group of teen lads about jesus that was fantastic.
When we got back to promise we all chilled around the meal table for over an hour which is always cool we just sat and chatted adn listen to some of piers advebtures he had been away to sctland for a few day with some brothers it is always good to hear of other folks adventures.
then we sat around trying desperately to fuinish a jigsaw that had been on the go for over a week .
now this may sound totally borning but it was sheer beauty there is nothing more beautiful that a group of folks sharing their hearts and sharing vision and purpose there is all age groups from 11 to over 50 all sat around the table sharing hopes dreams visions and inspirations it is so beautiful if you doubt that come and see.
on sunday evening we had our meeting. I had been in quite severe pain for 3 days with my ankle
stuart and shaz prayed and goid healed it immediately and i went from hardly being able to cope with walking obn it to jumping and leaping and dancing for about 30 mins and then driving home that had been a real source of irritation. God is so good to us and often surprises me
I wrote in my last entry about the song that had been in my heart well it has not let up yet every time i get in the car i just have to keep playing it. it is such a love stry of jesus and his bride.
when stuart was praying earler jesus was wispering in my ear once again about singleness for him
celebacy is such a precious gift adn a real source of strngth and purity for the church for those that can embrace it.
I know that God is calling me to to this life but i so do not know if i can
what if i stuff up
what if i taint that level of purity
he is drawing me in as a lover draws one in to a level of intamacy that only you and your lover is able to share
but i am so scared becasue all my relationships ahev been failures
what i really want is a sucessful relationship
but i know that is not going to happen
i know that i must do but i do not know if i can I am not that old and i do not know if i can live the rest of my life single
Friday, June 23, 2006
when God surprises you
what a week it has been and God never failed to surprise me in any way in he cares for us.
My emotions have been oon such a rollercoaster this week and then today i was listening to a song that just blew me away completly it is so beautiful it talks abbout the love that Christ has for us and how he gave himself so freely for us.
I ahve to say that it is going to be one of those moments that stick with me forever.
I could not work what my block was as far as God was and it struck me totally this morning in a blinding flash good job that here were angels around the car as i was driving.
My issue at relating to God was to do with that the only way i saw him was as father and not as a lover or husband and becasue of this song I can see him as my lover/husband ( no do not questin me on my stand as far as celibacy) (one step at a time)
I am sure that yoiu are now wondering what this song was now it was sung by natalie grant and it is called becasue of loveit has lines like
above all power above all nature above all treasures in this earth you were there before the world began above all kingdoms of the earth you thought of me
crucified laid behind a stone rejected and alone, like a rose trampled on the ground, youi took the fall and all becasue of me
it was at this point i saw Jesus as my lover and he as mine
so no matter what stress i am in i need to remeber that ti is nothing compared to the hunilitaion that he suffered and all the time i was on his mind
ther eis so much of my mind that is taken up by me and so little that is taken up by jesus, I am so grateful that is my mind and not Jesus's becasue we would be in such a sorry state if Jesus thought only of him there is no way he would ahve gone to the cross
My emotions have been oon such a rollercoaster this week and then today i was listening to a song that just blew me away completly it is so beautiful it talks abbout the love that Christ has for us and how he gave himself so freely for us.
I ahve to say that it is going to be one of those moments that stick with me forever.
I could not work what my block was as far as God was and it struck me totally this morning in a blinding flash good job that here were angels around the car as i was driving.
My issue at relating to God was to do with that the only way i saw him was as father and not as a lover or husband and becasue of this song I can see him as my lover/husband ( no do not questin me on my stand as far as celibacy) (one step at a time)
I am sure that yoiu are now wondering what this song was now it was sung by natalie grant and it is called becasue of loveit has lines like
above all power above all nature above all treasures in this earth you were there before the world began above all kingdoms of the earth you thought of me
crucified laid behind a stone rejected and alone, like a rose trampled on the ground, youi took the fall and all becasue of me
it was at this point i saw Jesus as my lover and he as mine
so no matter what stress i am in i need to remeber that ti is nothing compared to the hunilitaion that he suffered and all the time i was on his mind
ther eis so much of my mind that is taken up by me and so little that is taken up by jesus, I am so grateful that is my mind and not Jesus's becasue we would be in such a sorry state if Jesus thought only of him there is no way he would ahve gone to the cross
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
when discipleship knocks is it as attractive as i thought???
Well as I put in my introduction this blog was about my path toward living full time in christain community.
I have longed and ached to be in community sometimes it hurts.
Any way last week end there was some very serious talking going on about myself and my children moving in this coming august.
Well yesterday was so one of those days that at the time i wished that the day never happened i am sure that we all have a day like that.
Any way i arrived at promise last night for Agape (meeting that those of us that are in coveneat attend)
And one of my precios leaders asked to see me I was already so very fragile and really on the edge.
Any way he explained that in the leaderships opinion it really would be best for My daughter for us to hold off till she was 16 before we came into community.
ouch ouch corr that hurt.
I sat there and nodded and not really saying much and after he struggled to grasp really how i was accepting this he left the room leaving me with my close friend.
Any way at this point it felt like my heart had been cut out. there ws no way my pride was going to allow me to stay and sit through agape i needed to go home.
As i pulled out of promise drive my conscience was already kicking in. By the time i reached the traffic lights 100 meters away i knew that i should go back by the time i got tot eh canal bridge i was in my head on my way back
so I got to the roundabout at the end of the road turned around and drove back barely able to see becasue i was crying so hart and the pain was so intense i had to scream outloud only who was going to hear there was me in the car and God please do not ask this of me God it is far to painful todo this again.... this was the 7th time that the answer had been not yet.... Oh God what are you doing please please.
I arrived back at promise and sat in the car and my mobile went off it was a text from my friend telling me to hang on in there.
I so did not want to go back in the house i did not want my leader to see the mess i was but as my dear friend pointed out that it was about being real and not being afraid to be who i am.
So in I went made a drink and sat outside then teh leaders wife came out and sat with me and said little but was just there and as we talked well as i did and she listened i realised how many folks were missing tonight and so i knew that i had to go in and give. Agape is where we gain strength.
After agape my dear friend came back home and we talked some more and every time i tried to go there was something else i needed to apologise for any wya eventualy i was together enough to drive.
I got home safetly and did a few last min prepartaions for my daughters birthday and fell in to bed
But my head was wizzing at a million thoughts a minute most of them from the devil
the draw to go dowstairs and get a knife and mutilate myself wass so very strong I was angry i lay in bed nad cried out for jesus to help me to get through the night i was in such turmoil and physical pain.
next thing the alarm was going God has brought me through the night and there was no self harming much to my gratitude and releif
And I woke with imense peace and reassurance in my heart
I sat down to breakfast and talked stuff through with teh children adn they gave their thoughts which have been fed back to the leadership and we are on course for summer 2007 to be when we give up all for the kingdom
yep discipleship hurts like hell sometimes but it is so beautiful
I have longed and ached to be in community sometimes it hurts.
Any way last week end there was some very serious talking going on about myself and my children moving in this coming august.
Well yesterday was so one of those days that at the time i wished that the day never happened i am sure that we all have a day like that.
Any way i arrived at promise last night for Agape (meeting that those of us that are in coveneat attend)
And one of my precios leaders asked to see me I was already so very fragile and really on the edge.
Any way he explained that in the leaderships opinion it really would be best for My daughter for us to hold off till she was 16 before we came into community.
ouch ouch corr that hurt.
I sat there and nodded and not really saying much and after he struggled to grasp really how i was accepting this he left the room leaving me with my close friend.
Any way at this point it felt like my heart had been cut out. there ws no way my pride was going to allow me to stay and sit through agape i needed to go home.
As i pulled out of promise drive my conscience was already kicking in. By the time i reached the traffic lights 100 meters away i knew that i should go back by the time i got tot eh canal bridge i was in my head on my way back
so I got to the roundabout at the end of the road turned around and drove back barely able to see becasue i was crying so hart and the pain was so intense i had to scream outloud only who was going to hear there was me in the car and God please do not ask this of me God it is far to painful todo this again.... this was the 7th time that the answer had been not yet.... Oh God what are you doing please please.
I arrived back at promise and sat in the car and my mobile went off it was a text from my friend telling me to hang on in there.
I so did not want to go back in the house i did not want my leader to see the mess i was but as my dear friend pointed out that it was about being real and not being afraid to be who i am.
So in I went made a drink and sat outside then teh leaders wife came out and sat with me and said little but was just there and as we talked well as i did and she listened i realised how many folks were missing tonight and so i knew that i had to go in and give. Agape is where we gain strength.
After agape my dear friend came back home and we talked some more and every time i tried to go there was something else i needed to apologise for any wya eventualy i was together enough to drive.
I got home safetly and did a few last min prepartaions for my daughters birthday and fell in to bed
But my head was wizzing at a million thoughts a minute most of them from the devil
the draw to go dowstairs and get a knife and mutilate myself wass so very strong I was angry i lay in bed nad cried out for jesus to help me to get through the night i was in such turmoil and physical pain.
next thing the alarm was going God has brought me through the night and there was no self harming much to my gratitude and releif
And I woke with imense peace and reassurance in my heart
I sat down to breakfast and talked stuff through with teh children adn they gave their thoughts which have been fed back to the leadership and we are on course for summer 2007 to be when we give up all for the kingdom
yep discipleship hurts like hell sometimes but it is so beautiful
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
when life is a washing machine
do you ever have one of those days where you feel that you ahve been in dragged inside out and twirled around and then thrown out like a drowned rat??? well if you ahve you will know that feeling..
I drove home today thinking I can not go on i really wanna do some serious damage...
I do not know if you know that feeling...... But i know all to well how i would then feel if i dod I would be back into a cyle of guilt and failure... And the only one that gets the glory then is the devil and i am soooooooo not going there he has enough attention not willing to give him more.
so I had 2 options i could go down the route of negativity or a i could jump in the car go home scream at God forgive the folks that had stired up all the pain and anger i feel and maybe txt a mate and say pray for me i feel vunerable and weak. and i am in a serious risk factor of going down a path that God is healing me from.
so that is what i did i txt a mate and i came home looked at my kids having screamed a bit at God and realised the blessing that behold me and vocalised my gratitiude to the father in the full knowlede That i am a daughter of the most high God who has been damaged by the devil but i am in the process of being healing by the most high Father
so even though i feel like a drowned rat in the physical i knwo that i am am standing on the true rock and walking in the vicory that was bought at the highest price possible by my creator God
so that i can realise the freedom that his cruel humiliating death has bought for me
I drove home today thinking I can not go on i really wanna do some serious damage...
I do not know if you know that feeling...... But i know all to well how i would then feel if i dod I would be back into a cyle of guilt and failure... And the only one that gets the glory then is the devil and i am soooooooo not going there he has enough attention not willing to give him more.
so I had 2 options i could go down the route of negativity or a i could jump in the car go home scream at God forgive the folks that had stired up all the pain and anger i feel and maybe txt a mate and say pray for me i feel vunerable and weak. and i am in a serious risk factor of going down a path that God is healing me from.
so that is what i did i txt a mate and i came home looked at my kids having screamed a bit at God and realised the blessing that behold me and vocalised my gratitiude to the father in the full knowlede That i am a daughter of the most high God who has been damaged by the devil but i am in the process of being healing by the most high Father
so even though i feel like a drowned rat in the physical i knwo that i am am standing on the true rock and walking in the vicory that was bought at the highest price possible by my creator God
so that i can realise the freedom that his cruel humiliating death has bought for me
Monday, June 19, 2006
kalidiscope (spelt wrong i am sure)
perfection perfection I am realising that i expect from people a standard that is not mine to issue.
It is so easy to box people in and expect things from them that there are no in a position to deliver, And who am i in my inperfect state to expect anything.
There is only one person that walked this fallen sin ridden world that can demand perfect and not even he made that dmeand on us becasue he knew that we would never attain it.
He has put me in place where there are so many different people from so many different backgrounds and leveled us out In a life of equality and simplicty.
I for so long have battled with how i view people perceive me But i ahve not until recently thought about how i perceive other people and i relise that i am so judgemental and i put people in to boxes and i resrict tehm and with hold love and acceptance from them, who am I to do this for crying out loud if God woth held love and acceptance and grace and forgiveness from me what a flippin mess i would be in ( well a bigger mess than i am already)
funny coz my entry was going to be about somethign else completely
I guess that is the running word to me right now is to accept lest I with hold it from you (gulp)
discipleship discipleship discipleship let the cross go deeper in me let me die to self All i ask it to be living in you kingdom grace Lord.
THis weekend i realised that I can not hold back as far as moving in to style 3 community and I have asked my leadership to look as to weather i can move in this summer and i am waiting to hear.
Next week i am taking my beloved chincillas to their new home we are goi9ng to scale down life and live as close to style 3 in our own home even if my leadership ask me to wait till easter
the kindom is wotrth the pain of discipleship
It is so easy to box people in and expect things from them that there are no in a position to deliver, And who am i in my inperfect state to expect anything.
There is only one person that walked this fallen sin ridden world that can demand perfect and not even he made that dmeand on us becasue he knew that we would never attain it.
He has put me in place where there are so many different people from so many different backgrounds and leveled us out In a life of equality and simplicty.
I for so long have battled with how i view people perceive me But i ahve not until recently thought about how i perceive other people and i relise that i am so judgemental and i put people in to boxes and i resrict tehm and with hold love and acceptance from them, who am I to do this for crying out loud if God woth held love and acceptance and grace and forgiveness from me what a flippin mess i would be in ( well a bigger mess than i am already)
funny coz my entry was going to be about somethign else completely
I guess that is the running word to me right now is to accept lest I with hold it from you (gulp)
discipleship discipleship discipleship let the cross go deeper in me let me die to self All i ask it to be living in you kingdom grace Lord.
THis weekend i realised that I can not hold back as far as moving in to style 3 community and I have asked my leadership to look as to weather i can move in this summer and i am waiting to hear.
Next week i am taking my beloved chincillas to their new home we are goi9ng to scale down life and live as close to style 3 in our own home even if my leadership ask me to wait till easter
the kindom is wotrth the pain of discipleship
Friday, June 16, 2006
information
today was one of those days that has made me think about how I communicate.
Why you maywell ask.
Well i went to work and my boss said to me........ Hope you do not mind!!!!! with intreidation i smiled and said go on thinking am i going to regret this....... But hey i am craving discipleship I thought so time to put my heart where my mouth is.
So he said I have noticed that when you are telling someone something you give them soooooo much unecassary infomation. I sat there for a breif moment and thought now shall i explain myself away of shall i take it an act on it.
in that moment I thought no i am not going to exlain myself away I trust this guy and I want to be a disciple so I must trust my brethren to point out in me areas of growth
so I thank him and Now i ahve been trying to think about what I am saying and if i need to say it..... I am sure that my lovely brethren that know me will be releived and will wait to see the changes and point out if i slip back in to pasive mindless chatter.
Time for all those insecurites of sitting in silence with my brethren to be nailed on the cross ,
I had the joy recently of having hearing aids fitted. And this morning was one of those days where i really appreciated them becasue in the drive in to work i listened and heard many wonderful sounds that i would not have heard before, simple things that i had forgotten like the beauty of the birds singing and i realised that God is the most wonderful musicain, I guess he was preparing me for realising that i do not need to natter away for the sake of it
Why you maywell ask.
Well i went to work and my boss said to me........ Hope you do not mind!!!!! with intreidation i smiled and said go on thinking am i going to regret this....... But hey i am craving discipleship I thought so time to put my heart where my mouth is.
So he said I have noticed that when you are telling someone something you give them soooooo much unecassary infomation. I sat there for a breif moment and thought now shall i explain myself away of shall i take it an act on it.
in that moment I thought no i am not going to exlain myself away I trust this guy and I want to be a disciple so I must trust my brethren to point out in me areas of growth
so I thank him and Now i ahve been trying to think about what I am saying and if i need to say it..... I am sure that my lovely brethren that know me will be releived and will wait to see the changes and point out if i slip back in to pasive mindless chatter.
Time for all those insecurites of sitting in silence with my brethren to be nailed on the cross ,
I had the joy recently of having hearing aids fitted. And this morning was one of those days where i really appreciated them becasue in the drive in to work i listened and heard many wonderful sounds that i would not have heard before, simple things that i had forgotten like the beauty of the birds singing and i realised that God is the most wonderful musicain, I guess he was preparing me for realising that i do not need to natter away for the sake of it
Thursday, June 15, 2006
what is freedom?
I am not one for qouting scripture coz my head doe not hold it in long enough for me to recall it...
But today i was dwelling on what freedom is, and here are a few thoughts
it is when nolonger my needs are ahead of my brother/sister when God and his church are paramount in my life.
It is when i reach the point where I look and realise that I do not give in to my wants,
I ahve a real issue with possessions so many will say is it not crazy to give up all and move in to community where youi are called to live as simply as possible and to share all. And i say no it is no mistake it is freedom and healing.
My biggest issues in my life are becasue i have too many choices and I know that God is healing me through reducing my choices becasue choice for me is where sin has a real foot hold in my life
I have for many years suffered from quite a diblitating condition called ocd (obcessive complusive disorder) It is about feeling safe, and God is leading me by the hand in to this safety that I have been craving for many years.
So how does ocd manifest it self in me. well it is about making sure that i all situations are covered i.e like making sure that the petrol tank in my car is full or my food cupboard etc
what ever it is it has to be full or empty there is no middle ground so to live simply is stepping in to freedom.
I have not been challenged on these issues yet but i know that my discipleship is on its way and what do I say
I say bring it on one step closer to freedom and in God i can soar in the heavenlies and find the freedom of style 3 living
But today i was dwelling on what freedom is, and here are a few thoughts
it is when nolonger my needs are ahead of my brother/sister when God and his church are paramount in my life.
It is when i reach the point where I look and realise that I do not give in to my wants,
I ahve a real issue with possessions so many will say is it not crazy to give up all and move in to community where youi are called to live as simply as possible and to share all. And i say no it is no mistake it is freedom and healing.
My biggest issues in my life are becasue i have too many choices and I know that God is healing me through reducing my choices becasue choice for me is where sin has a real foot hold in my life
I have for many years suffered from quite a diblitating condition called ocd (obcessive complusive disorder) It is about feeling safe, and God is leading me by the hand in to this safety that I have been craving for many years.
So how does ocd manifest it self in me. well it is about making sure that i all situations are covered i.e like making sure that the petrol tank in my car is full or my food cupboard etc
what ever it is it has to be full or empty there is no middle ground so to live simply is stepping in to freedom.
I have not been challenged on these issues yet but i know that my discipleship is on its way and what do I say
I say bring it on one step closer to freedom and in God i can soar in the heavenlies and find the freedom of style 3 living
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
working toward the goal
it has been a day where emotions had to be worked through. It is never easy when you see someone that you love trying hard to make their life work knowing that if they were to bow the knee and submit to God, things would be so much easier.
I spent time with my precious son and and his lovely girl friend, i saw this young girl totally dependant on my son and my son trying his besy to look after her, but barely able to look after himself and she is so full of pride and pain, it is so difficult to get near to her. She was so gratful for the simple things that I do like taking them food or buying them a coffee. It made me think that I had lost sight of the simple things that God showers me with and I expect some big expanse of spirtiual experince when infact it just need to get back to basics and enjoy God once again just enjoy being with the father.
I seem to spend my life rushing from here to there and never having time to stop and listen, I guess that my need to be accepted has taken over my need of God.
there are so many areas of my life that as so out of conrol and I long to reel them in but i do not know how, I am so full of fear and anxiety that I will be rejected that I over compensate in a material way.
My need to look just right has taken over my life when in side i am falling to bits and i do not know how to get off this crazy world that is island Dee.
last night I was talking to a precious friend and craving to be discipled we talked about how clothes rule me. I have to confess that I can change what am waering many times during a day sometimes on a really bad day as many as 5/6 times before i even get out of bed in the mornings and I wake up at night in massive panic attacks. I desperately hope that as i get knitted in with the sisterhood i know that healing is on its way and i am open and desperate to see freedom in this and many other areas of my life where excess rules
bring it on God please i need your discipleship i want to be a disciple and build the kingdom
I spent time with my precious son and and his lovely girl friend, i saw this young girl totally dependant on my son and my son trying his besy to look after her, but barely able to look after himself and she is so full of pride and pain, it is so difficult to get near to her. She was so gratful for the simple things that I do like taking them food or buying them a coffee. It made me think that I had lost sight of the simple things that God showers me with and I expect some big expanse of spirtiual experince when infact it just need to get back to basics and enjoy God once again just enjoy being with the father.
I seem to spend my life rushing from here to there and never having time to stop and listen, I guess that my need to be accepted has taken over my need of God.
there are so many areas of my life that as so out of conrol and I long to reel them in but i do not know how, I am so full of fear and anxiety that I will be rejected that I over compensate in a material way.
My need to look just right has taken over my life when in side i am falling to bits and i do not know how to get off this crazy world that is island Dee.
last night I was talking to a precious friend and craving to be discipled we talked about how clothes rule me. I have to confess that I can change what am waering many times during a day sometimes on a really bad day as many as 5/6 times before i even get out of bed in the mornings and I wake up at night in massive panic attacks. I desperately hope that as i get knitted in with the sisterhood i know that healing is on its way and i am open and desperate to see freedom in this and many other areas of my life where excess rules
bring it on God please i need your discipleship i want to be a disciple and build the kingdom
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
today is always new
Last night I meet with a few friends and the couple that spirtually cover me to talk and share our hearts it is such a wonderful chance to have a bit of a heart clear out.
And as ever i was challenged on issues that i did not expect to be some were painful, But I have to keep in propective my level of pain is nothing compared to what jesus went through on the cross and all the time he was thinking of me. So what i have to deal with in my life is nothing in comparision. Ultimately I know that in dealing with the issues that i know that i need tio will take me into a greater degree of freedom and healing.. bring it on.
We never know what the day has in store when we wake up sometimes that is not such a bad thing.
I spoke to my son he and his girlfriend are living in her car at the moment, this is so tough for me as a mum I know that i could say come and stay here but I also know that is not Gods word to me and I have to obey God because I beleive that this hardship is about them submitting to God and saying we can not do this with out the Father, and who am i to step in and divert Gods work, After all i have been praying for so long that God will break him and he will come to the point where pride is gone and he bows the knee I just desperately hope that the expense is not too high but there again i have asked God to do whatever it takes and so I have to sit back in the knowledge that Gods love for these two is more than i can ever imagine and that he is their Father and I have to trust trust trust and trust some more.
I have seen Gods provison for my family and I continue to see it on a day to day basis spometimes it is minute by minute so I can not and will not doubt Gods faithfulness to any of my children after all they are his children and they are only lent to me for a season and i have handed them back in to Gods care and I have to trust and trust and trust and when i think that i have reached the end of my self i have to trust some more becasue i can not do any thing else if i do it for them when do they become reliant on God?????
And as ever i was challenged on issues that i did not expect to be some were painful, But I have to keep in propective my level of pain is nothing compared to what jesus went through on the cross and all the time he was thinking of me. So what i have to deal with in my life is nothing in comparision. Ultimately I know that in dealing with the issues that i know that i need tio will take me into a greater degree of freedom and healing.. bring it on.
We never know what the day has in store when we wake up sometimes that is not such a bad thing.
I spoke to my son he and his girlfriend are living in her car at the moment, this is so tough for me as a mum I know that i could say come and stay here but I also know that is not Gods word to me and I have to obey God because I beleive that this hardship is about them submitting to God and saying we can not do this with out the Father, and who am i to step in and divert Gods work, After all i have been praying for so long that God will break him and he will come to the point where pride is gone and he bows the knee I just desperately hope that the expense is not too high but there again i have asked God to do whatever it takes and so I have to sit back in the knowledge that Gods love for these two is more than i can ever imagine and that he is their Father and I have to trust trust trust and trust some more.
I have seen Gods provison for my family and I continue to see it on a day to day basis spometimes it is minute by minute so I can not and will not doubt Gods faithfulness to any of my children after all they are his children and they are only lent to me for a season and i have handed them back in to Gods care and I have to trust and trust and trust and when i think that i have reached the end of my self i have to trust some more becasue i can not do any thing else if i do it for them when do they become reliant on God?????
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