when discipleship knocks is it as attractive as i thought???

Well as I put in my introduction this blog was about my path toward living full time in christain community.
I have longed and ached to be in community sometimes it hurts.
Any way last week end there was some very serious talking going on about myself and my children moving in this coming august.
Well yesterday was so one of those days that at the time i wished that the day never happened i am sure that we all have a day like that.
Any way i arrived at promise last night for Agape (meeting that those of us that are in coveneat attend)
And one of my precios leaders asked to see me I was already so very fragile and really on the edge.
Any way he explained that in the leaderships opinion it really would be best for My daughter for us to hold off till she was 16 before we came into community.
ouch ouch corr that hurt.
I sat there and nodded and not really saying much and after he struggled to grasp really how i was accepting this he left the room leaving me with my close friend.
Any way at this point it felt like my heart had been cut out. there ws no way my pride was going to allow me to stay and sit through agape i needed to go home.
As i pulled out of promise drive my conscience was already kicking in. By the time i reached the traffic lights 100 meters away i knew that i should go back by the time i got tot eh canal bridge i was in my head on my way back
so I got to the roundabout at the end of the road turned around and drove back barely able to see becasue i was crying so hart and the pain was so intense i had to scream outloud only who was going to hear there was me in the car and God please do not ask this of me God it is far to painful todo this again.... this was the 7th time that the answer had been not yet.... Oh God what are you doing please please.
I arrived back at promise and sat in the car and my mobile went off it was a text from my friend telling me to hang on in there.
I so did not want to go back in the house i did not want my leader to see the mess i was but as my dear friend pointed out that it was about being real and not being afraid to be who i am.
So in I went made a drink and sat outside then teh leaders wife came out and sat with me and said little but was just there and as we talked well as i did and she listened i realised how many folks were missing tonight and so i knew that i had to go in and give. Agape is where we gain strength.
After agape my dear friend came back home and we talked some more and every time i tried to go there was something else i needed to apologise for any wya eventualy i was together enough to drive.
I got home safetly and did a few last min prepartaions for my daughters birthday and fell in to bed
But my head was wizzing at a million thoughts a minute most of them from the devil
the draw to go dowstairs and get a knife and mutilate myself wass so very strong I was angry i lay in bed nad cried out for jesus to help me to get through the night i was in such turmoil and physical pain.
next thing the alarm was going God has brought me through the night and there was no self harming much to my gratitude and releif
And I woke with imense peace and reassurance in my heart
I sat down to breakfast and talked stuff through with teh children adn they gave their thoughts which have been fed back to the leadership and we are on course for summer 2007 to be when we give up all for the kingdom
yep discipleship hurts like hell sometimes but it is so beautiful