What !!! Why???? When!!!!

probably the three most asked questions in my head right now.
If I am honset I am bearly ably to cling on to the hem of the fathers robe.
everything seems shakey and uncertain.
I am driving my household mad.
work this one out coz I can not and I am experincing it so how can I expect any one else to understand.
Most of the time I can not hear the person that is sat next to me speaking yet loud noise is driving me insane.
My friends are getting fed up with me asking what they have said
one lovely brother said he could not cope with the fact that I am so quite, because I can not hear conversations so I am not responding
this morning he was so frustrated with having to repeat him self that he walked over placed his hand on my ears and prayed it was lovely.
But it also scares me coz my hearing has deteriated so much since folks started to pray .
Today I had to go to the post office and I could not hear what the counter staff were saying at the doctors I had to ask them to slow down and speak up it is horrible is this what my life is going to be like from here on
I so desperately want to hang on on there in faith but I am weak and My grip is failing me help me to hang in ther please God do not fail me now









I so want to see the faith seed grow and bear fruit and I know that it is only God and my faithful ness to trust that can cause that to happen




















And I so want to believe those words written I want them to work out and in my life
thanks for reading

appreciating I think!!!!!

I guess there are times when we feel vunerable weak and small and need to cling to god but he feels to big to be able to hold on to not sure if that makes sense to any one but right now is one of those days


I am sure that we all have times where we wonder how will I cope if that changes
well I guess we would say that we would cling on to God with all the strength we have ! don't we???

or do we cling on to ourselves or to to someone that is close to us

or do we just shut those around out those that are prcious becasue we can not cope with the struggle?

many questions sorry not so many answers


so I will fight my need to close down I will trust and no matter I know that I can over come
And if my hearing does go then god can still use me bless me and still reach out to the poor through me

it is not my will that is the current agenda


THe cross was not a soft fluffy comfortable place then and it is not today



praise God for grace and diversity but much more than that praise him for the cross and for brotherhood and for church

secure

to an exentent this picture is how I feel at the moment. I do hope that this does not sound proud it is not ment too I just wanted to shout a little about God.
If I look at things through my natural eyes I have a lot to be concerned and distressed about but I am holding on in faith.
I have natural and spiritual sons/daughters that are away from the ranch at the moment some through their own choice some through disapline and it is hard to reach them but I know that God can do all thinigs and the faith that I hold on to is like fresh water coming out from the bedrock that is My God.
time for a little update I think.
A few of my entries I have said about some struggles
well as breifly as I can here is an update
last week I cloed ban accounts and handed over the keys to what was home. I needed to greive sounds mad but not My spirit was soaring in the heavenlies I needed to switch my dependance from independance to dependance on God and my brethren I am learning to do that and in realising the level of my security is so much deeper than ever and now there is space in my soul to release some of the stuff out of the locked drawers that represented pain/damage from the past. sometimes I do not even realise what eh struggle is untill I have vocalised and I am blessed to have an awesome shepherd and caring sister who are helping me to pin point and deal thanks guys love you loads.
One thing that is so clear to me is that I am not called into celibacy. I know that my minstry is to to be a wife and mother. and knowing that for me has ended many years of struggling and soul searching 11 yrs infact.
And now I have to wait on the Lord for him to bring me the right man that can take authority and lead me and love me. someone that I can share My life and goals for the kingdom someone that I can build with and bring glory to God with. This is a testimony to Gods healing and grace in my life and It is only in God as a healed woman that I could and can embrace this new dierectin in life.
So I do not know what 2007 has in store I just know that God is going to do amazing thing in me and through me and as I move in secuity I know that I can give out and build and see zion build
I am living for something that is going to last for eternity and I would not ahve it any other way.
tears laughter and all

which cut is the deepest???? God the ultimate surgeon

Free falling with out a paracute

well this is how I have felt over the last few days.
there is so much that has been going on in my soul, God in his faithful love and mercy has been repairing the holes that life made in my soul.
Sometimes I feel that there is so much going on I am not really sure if I will come through the other side but I am held secure, in the arms of Father, although I do not always realise it at the time.
Don't we long to have a dad that puts his arms around us and say This is my son/ daughter- I am proud of him/her?

I long to be in a place where I can climb on to Fathers lap rest my head on his chest and feel the beating of his heart

I know that I am not there yet.
I know that all too often I say that is far enough stop do not go there and lock a padlock back on the pain .



Burning Bridges
This week has been a week of intense pain and greiving
but I know that what I am enduring is about eternity
I handed the keys on what was home and I closed down my personal bank accounts
I have longed for this time for 15 years and finally god in his grace has gratned my hearts desire But it was tough but I know that as press into God and my brethren I know that the goal is worth more than anything this world has too offer.


So I am now at a fresh point in life and I know that God in his
Will be faithful and honour my heart cry

So here is to the sunrise for us as a family
not just the children and my self by promise and the church