working toward the goal

it has been a day where emotions had to be worked through. It is never easy when you see someone that you love trying hard to make their life work knowing that if they were to bow the knee and submit to God, things would be so much easier.
I spent time with my precious son and and his lovely girl friend, i saw this young girl totally dependant on my son and my son trying his besy to look after her, but barely able to look after himself and she is so full of pride and pain, it is so difficult to get near to her. She was so gratful for the simple things that I do like taking them food or buying them a coffee. It made me think that I had lost sight of the simple things that God showers me with and I expect some big expanse of spirtiual experince when infact it just need to get back to basics and enjoy God once again just enjoy being with the father.
I seem to spend my life rushing from here to there and never having time to stop and listen, I guess that my need to be accepted has taken over my need of God.
there are so many areas of my life that as so out of conrol and I long to reel them in but i do not know how, I am so full of fear and anxiety that I will be rejected that I over compensate in a material way.
My need to look just right has taken over my life when in side i am falling to bits and i do not know how to get off this crazy world that is island Dee.
last night I was talking to a precious friend and craving to be discipled we talked about how clothes rule me. I have to confess that I can change what am waering many times during a day sometimes on a really bad day as many as 5/6 times before i even get out of bed in the mornings and I wake up at night in massive panic attacks. I desperately hope that as i get knitted in with the sisterhood i know that healing is on its way and i am open and desperate to see freedom in this and many other areas of my life where excess rules
bring it on God please i need your discipleship i want to be a disciple and build the kingdom