What !!! Why???? When!!!!

probably the three most asked questions in my head right now.
If I am honset I am bearly ably to cling on to the hem of the fathers robe.
everything seems shakey and uncertain.
I am driving my household mad.
work this one out coz I can not and I am experincing it so how can I expect any one else to understand.
Most of the time I can not hear the person that is sat next to me speaking yet loud noise is driving me insane.
My friends are getting fed up with me asking what they have said
one lovely brother said he could not cope with the fact that I am so quite, because I can not hear conversations so I am not responding
this morning he was so frustrated with having to repeat him self that he walked over placed his hand on my ears and prayed it was lovely.
But it also scares me coz my hearing has deteriated so much since folks started to pray .
Today I had to go to the post office and I could not hear what the counter staff were saying at the doctors I had to ask them to slow down and speak up it is horrible is this what my life is going to be like from here on
I so desperately want to hang on on there in faith but I am weak and My grip is failing me help me to hang in ther please God do not fail me now









I so want to see the faith seed grow and bear fruit and I know that it is only God and my faithful ness to trust that can cause that to happen




















And I so want to believe those words written I want them to work out and in my life
thanks for reading

appreciating I think!!!!!

I guess there are times when we feel vunerable weak and small and need to cling to god but he feels to big to be able to hold on to not sure if that makes sense to any one but right now is one of those days


I am sure that we all have times where we wonder how will I cope if that changes
well I guess we would say that we would cling on to God with all the strength we have ! don't we???

or do we cling on to ourselves or to to someone that is close to us

or do we just shut those around out those that are prcious becasue we can not cope with the struggle?

many questions sorry not so many answers


so I will fight my need to close down I will trust and no matter I know that I can over come
And if my hearing does go then god can still use me bless me and still reach out to the poor through me

it is not my will that is the current agenda


THe cross was not a soft fluffy comfortable place then and it is not today



praise God for grace and diversity but much more than that praise him for the cross and for brotherhood and for church

secure

to an exentent this picture is how I feel at the moment. I do hope that this does not sound proud it is not ment too I just wanted to shout a little about God.
If I look at things through my natural eyes I have a lot to be concerned and distressed about but I am holding on in faith.
I have natural and spiritual sons/daughters that are away from the ranch at the moment some through their own choice some through disapline and it is hard to reach them but I know that God can do all thinigs and the faith that I hold on to is like fresh water coming out from the bedrock that is My God.
time for a little update I think.
A few of my entries I have said about some struggles
well as breifly as I can here is an update
last week I cloed ban accounts and handed over the keys to what was home. I needed to greive sounds mad but not My spirit was soaring in the heavenlies I needed to switch my dependance from independance to dependance on God and my brethren I am learning to do that and in realising the level of my security is so much deeper than ever and now there is space in my soul to release some of the stuff out of the locked drawers that represented pain/damage from the past. sometimes I do not even realise what eh struggle is untill I have vocalised and I am blessed to have an awesome shepherd and caring sister who are helping me to pin point and deal thanks guys love you loads.
One thing that is so clear to me is that I am not called into celibacy. I know that my minstry is to to be a wife and mother. and knowing that for me has ended many years of struggling and soul searching 11 yrs infact.
And now I have to wait on the Lord for him to bring me the right man that can take authority and lead me and love me. someone that I can share My life and goals for the kingdom someone that I can build with and bring glory to God with. This is a testimony to Gods healing and grace in my life and It is only in God as a healed woman that I could and can embrace this new dierectin in life.
So I do not know what 2007 has in store I just know that God is going to do amazing thing in me and through me and as I move in secuity I know that I can give out and build and see zion build
I am living for something that is going to last for eternity and I would not ahve it any other way.
tears laughter and all

which cut is the deepest???? God the ultimate surgeon

Free falling with out a paracute

well this is how I have felt over the last few days.
there is so much that has been going on in my soul, God in his faithful love and mercy has been repairing the holes that life made in my soul.
Sometimes I feel that there is so much going on I am not really sure if I will come through the other side but I am held secure, in the arms of Father, although I do not always realise it at the time.
Don't we long to have a dad that puts his arms around us and say This is my son/ daughter- I am proud of him/her?

I long to be in a place where I can climb on to Fathers lap rest my head on his chest and feel the beating of his heart

I know that I am not there yet.
I know that all too often I say that is far enough stop do not go there and lock a padlock back on the pain .



Burning Bridges
This week has been a week of intense pain and greiving
but I know that what I am enduring is about eternity
I handed the keys on what was home and I closed down my personal bank accounts
I have longed for this time for 15 years and finally god in his grace has gratned my hearts desire But it was tough but I know that as press into God and my brethren I know that the goal is worth more than anything this world has too offer.


So I am now at a fresh point in life and I know that God in his
Will be faithful and honour my heart cry

So here is to the sunrise for us as a family
not just the children and my self by promise and the church

Home is where???? it's where my heart belongs

Last night some of us got together well About 50 of us gathered together at kings house one of the community houses to explore community. Words are often limited for me (well words that express things properly) it was totally awesomlty amazingly beautiful And that does not scratch the surface.
We talked about brotherhood ( don't get hung up and the brother bit it is about relationship only more and deeper and more comitted and more just more) We talked about money and why we choose not to have any personal money (now I thought that was always going to be my stumbling block but so far I am loving it do not get me wrong I have my struggles but on balance it is much less of a struggle than when you ahve to deal with personal finacees) We talked about kingdom marriage and celibacy.
It was so awesome the room was full of my wonderfully diverse family.
There were folks that have been around since community was in its infacy and the love and knowledge that they share is so valuable (we owe them so much) there were those that have come in ove the years and some like myself that are only babies in comunity and then there are thos that are waiting and aching to join so lovely we were leveled there was no dividing lines we were just family gathered to talk about this wonderfully God inspired culture where we all are equal
the evenign vanished as we finshed sat around an open fire driking hot soup and munching on warm crusty rolls and gingerbread men
simplicy rocks

the simple things that do it why??

I have had a funny couple of days and i think that the enemy has come in on tht really..(as ever he is a coward)
today i am really quite weepy
I spent teh day with my son and his girlfriend away from home except I popped back at lunch time for some food. (had this feeling that I was intruding like I should not be here almost as if i had upset those that were here just by being here!!!!
Any way I had to pop to rugby and on theway stopped off to fill the car I know that I was distracted by the atmosphere I thought that I picked up on and then John and kib had a bit of an arguement so there was atmophere in the car. stopped off to get petrol and then put teh expensive stuff in, this was playing on my mind.
then I got all in my head about how much I have taken just recently my needs from common purse seem to out weight what I am giving
I know that part of closing down a property and a child starting school costs
I am in bits now infact I have written a note to my common purse decon coz I feel so bad
I know that it is not a massive thing but in my head it is and now I am looking for ways to get by with out the things I need just to cut down on my demands
I know that I have to get through agape tonight which is normally the high light of the week for me
this is so much harder than I ever thought that it was going to be

walking through community

I thought that I would try really hard to post every day for a week walk a week in my shoes I guess.
Yesterday was sunday
now I could do fleshly abut yesterday as all my old niggly moans and goans seem to dominate my day.... (hmm that does seem to be a patten)
Yesterday morning worship was really inspiring we were singing a song about God being holy and it occurred to me what is holy what did it mean??? Did I ever really look on God as holy and how could I if I was not sure what it ment.... Hmm must look at that again.
Any way God spoke to me clearly he spoke about how I used the excuses not to look on his glory that my eyes were down cast and so was my soul and that I had to raise my vision and look to the horizon so that I could see the blessings and the dangers.....
then I lost it with a brother that soooo windes me up I was in the mini bus waiting to come home and I was not relaxed as I was the only sister in the back and it was full of brothers most of them I did not know so asked this brother to swap he refused so I got out and said I would find another way to get home any way my house hold leaders insisted that he moved so he decided to walk I did feel bad but I know that this brother and I really do bring out teh worst in each other ( I think that he reminds me too much of my natural dad)
I was really feeling insecure there did not seem to be many regular folks around but many visitors that brings out the eobbles in my soul and shows how many holes God still needs to repair.
I disappeared for a while had a few bits to do down my room (excuses really) but God soon sorted that out and I bowed the knee and went back to give myself.]
tthere was a growing resentment in my soul which I am aware i need to tackle
there are so many that come around that take community for grated I feel like they are walking over zion,s beauty and rubbing her face in the dirt and that makes me angry
any way at teh evening meeting God shone forth and showed a few disrepectful chav's that God is not what tey thought that that Church is not a dark dingy building that is freezing cold noone around here speak in hushed tones Praise God
After supper I had to get to grips with common purse only the second time so all feels very new and I have not got a clue what I am doing it is kinda weird having to tell someone what you need cash for and having to be accountable for what you had done with your cash from last week but it is so freeing and it is like a massive weight has been lifted and I am loving it

So this is the life I am living and I would not have it any other way

Zion has the power to rebuid

well the last couple of posts ahve been about my struggles so I thought that I should testify to Gods amzing grace and mercy.

The super glue that holds me together is forever strong. (my kingdom family)
After sunday evening meeting I knew that I had to let God just do whatever he needed to do inorder to break me and build me into the new ceaion person that I am.
On monday I finally found the energy/courage/desperation to let God in (with a little help from my friends that is)
But was not yet at teh point where I had the courage/confidence to say no matter how painful this is I am gonna let you heal me.
Wednesday night a dear close friends said are you ready???
Well I did not have to deal with teh fear of humilatin if I fell to bits as it was in the privacy of my home (I share with 20 other peeps)
so we found a quite corner (not as easy as it sounds)
I was not sure where God was going to take me too (sometimes you just know)
I just seem to open my mouth and the memories came tumbling out---- Along with the negative self evalutions and heatred/resentment and all the other rubbish that the devil ties us up with.
Then we brought it before God and prayed God in his mercy adn Love meet me and freed me. (please do not be sceptiacal it really happens and it is that easy)
Sometimes after freeing/deliverence you ahve to hang on in faith and trrust what has happened reallly has but this time I really knew that I had meet with God and something had shifted.
Thursday night I went to whitestone (one of our other community houses) It was the first time I had been with family adn worshipped since Gods healing and I really knew beyond all measure that I had meet with God and been freed. during the worship time I meet with God and MY spirit soared in to a place that I had never been before I walked hand in hand with the Father knowing that my family were there too.
Thank you father thank you zion for begining to rebuild me and taking me a damaged person and loving me

ahhhh

I wish that I could say that I have found some relief in my battle with soul pain but I ahve not....
Infact I think that it is more intense than ever and issues seem to be come in thick and fast.
I really need break through please God

I am seeing that the main issue that I have is men that have been in autority in my life and caused damage.
So my battle is not just undoing this but pushing through with God becasue my flesh tells me that I am under Gods authority God is man there fore he is going to cause me damage and abuse me Right.
But my spirit is NO NO NO NO
God is not going to damage you
my head and emotions can not compute

last night the meeting was agony and I spent most of the worship time throwing up I was in such pain and destress
I do not know how to progress I just know that I Have to hang on in there some how And hope beyond hope that it eases soon before I fall to bits completely

well!!!! I am there the deed is done

Hi Folks
Just to update you on my walk in to freeing myself from the world
On monday I spent all morning tranferring money/bank accounts and stuff so I no longer have any money Praise God......
I know that this is where the battle begins... I am under no ellusions that it is going to be easy.... I have been my own boss for all my life controlled things in the world of Dee.
But now I am giving up house and home for the Kingdom.
I have given notice to my Landlord and have 4 weekes to wind up the proprty before I hand it back on the 1st of January 2007.

And next tuesday I have my long awaited Date with the ever popular peter foster ( for those that do not know what that means he is a driving trainer that assess outr ablity to drive saftely and teaches us to think ahead and stuff and if he says I am not safe I can not dive a fleet car)
I ahve always said that this would be my stumbling block I hope that all goes well but it is down to God and I just have to trust that all is going to be ok and I will do my best to be humble.

So I have arrived 6 months ahead of schedule And now the adventure really does begin

Thank you God for all that you have done in bringing us this far may my life reflect something of the love that you poured out and in us.

Thank you to all my brothers and sisters for helping us along the path I am sure that I am going to need to lean on youi just as much but I hope that you and others will feel that you can lean on me

So for the next chapter in this journey that I embarked on 15 years ago Watch this space

when you think that God has sorted you and then!!!!!

I think that i am possibly going through one of the most intently painful times that I have ever experinced and I really do not know how to get through other than cling on To God.

There are issues that I guess I have allowed God into on one level but God wants to get a bit deeper on these issues.
Last night we had our sunday evening meeting I knew that I was going to be challenged.. I was thinking of ways of not going at all but they were all emty excuces none that wanrrented asking my shepherd for time at home....
I just wanted to get in thecar and drive forever.
So I decided that i could escape into my role as a welcomer... couldn't I.... God had other ideas I thinnk that it was the quietest sunday nights I had ever known at Cov.....
Simon played this dvd called Lump
It was agony and I was to rip his head off...... ( I love him and respect him really)
I knew that I had to respond but I did not know how or what would happen so I sat on the floor and cried and cried and God pinned me to that floor coz everything in me was screaming to run.
But I could not speak about the pain All I could do is look for God and speak his name just as i thought that it was easing Simon started to speak of his dad not I did have murderous thoughts toward my brother....... I was hit with another wave of intense pain but it was so intense I had to block it I could not bear it any longer so the door is shut once more and hte padlock firmly rusted over.
Time to focus on the fact that this is the week that I move style 3 all the adresses have been changed and the bank account is being closed I am sure that is enough to be dealing with not stuff that happened years ago isn't it?????

there's still God

Hi Folks
Well we have been living the dream now full time for 4 months
Is it all I dremt about? Yes and more
Life in community is not easy but ahhh it is so beautiful
but I have cried more in the last month or so than I have in long time there have been times when I wonder if I am heading for another break down but when I reach the end of my self I look and there is still God looking at me and reaching and longing for me to cry out I canot do this .....
I am sooooo glad that I can not do this with out the Father
I am glad that God has made it impossible to do community with out him
I am about 10 days away now from going style 3 that is when I pool all my resources and live as one relying on my brethren and them on me and together on God
I know that there will be times that i will react as money has and can still be a strong hold in my life. I have been preparing for this for a few months by being completely accountable on the money front and I ahve to say that it has been many other issues that have brought me down Gods grace floows often to what we see as the lesser issues but God knows best and he has stepped in so much when I have been weak and can do no more and it is beautiful

the cross

what about when whatyou thyink is asked of you is beyond you
How can I be sure what He is asking of me is the right path
What if i fail
I do not know if i am strong enough
How can I be sure Pray for me please
I do not know
I am not sure
All I know is that I am in agony
And I want to know My God more
update
God has been so precious I have been thorough a time of breaking still am but he is walking with me and gathering me together to be the daughter/woman that he has called me to be I know that at this point in my life I do not need to make any discissions I can just learn to be me to embrace celibacy would destroy all that is going on right now
I do not need to fit in to any box right now I can just be in God and enjoy the adventure of finding Dee and allowing God to heal and restore

the weeping saviour

sounds confussing
well that is sort of how i feel at he moment
although my feet are firmly on the rock I am going through a time that to some in the world would be seen as an emotional break down but I would have to say that it is more like God breaking my will.
Painful yes indeded it is but at the same time it is very beautiful there are no words that can discribe it coz words make it all seem condrictionary
here is an extract from the Hawk and the dove that put it al little more clearly i think
but maybe not
I have been reading the section Called the wounds of God it focuses on a monk called francis who has endured much pain in his life and the Abbot is pursaded by another monk to probe a little the pain that unfolds is deep. this poor man has held it in
he sees that he brother hood is so precious but he belives that he is not worthy to stay but has stived and struggled to be accepted but he just feels condemed
then the Aboot says if you can not put the darkness out of your mind then maybe you should face it. Frrancis feels that it will destroy him and so does the abbot
so he opens the door and goes out in to the night he hears a sound and follows it he hears someone weepinghe belives tht there is someone in trouble so follows the sounds of sobbing /weeping "And someone is crying in the darkness in bitter destress. I can't find him. I'm searching for him looking everywhere . Wait-there, under the trees. A man, crounching, bowed down to the ground, Oh the lonliness of him. He is broken. Hes- he's afraid. I've never seen a man in such despair ... I must Go and... Oh God, it's Jesus!Out here alone. Jesus.... he was out here even before I came out >He was out here all the time, in the lonley place where abadonment and fear belong. He has always been here. I think it... it is gethsemane.
What are you going to do? asked peregrine (the Abbot) in fascination. Brother Francis looked at him incredulousy. Do? Stay with him Of course I can not leave him alone in this destress. I couldn't abandon him. Jesus, my heart my Love.. His courage is the hearth of the night. As long as he is here, in the darkness is home The outside has become the very centre. Jesus... My lord and my God.
then a little while on
There was some thing that peregrine wanted to know. He was He was reluctant to intrude on francis's comtemplation. Then he said the door of that house did you shut it behind you when you went out?
No I was scared to go out. I wanted to leave a way back in. You can shut it behind you now, I'll be alright here.
The resuce of the pain damage agony. The beauty of Jesus who goes through it with us every step of the way and then some
Yesterday I was in the most intense agony I think that i Have ever been in as a christian and I had been in for a few days I know what God was calling me to lay down for him But it all seems so scarey Like an endless dark emptiness that I could not even consider stepping into
And then a brother stood up at the end of the meeting and twisted the knife a little more when he talked about suffering for zion with out suffering for zion zion would die because it would not be precious to us we would no longer fight for the cause that God had laid on our hearts it would become somethig that would become disguarded
I do not know how i am going to tread the path that God has asked me to but I have said I am willing to surrender it to him and if it comes back then the mantle i will embrace
But right now it is just too painful to embrace it would cut me and destroy me and I know that is not what God has intended
those that know me may know what all of this means please pray that I can walk the path in truth and purity
I know that I have to step out in to he darkness and embrace my weeping saviour



just come back in to add that this is not about me feeling the need to be accepted !! (Well that is not what i felt as i wrote this someone may read this and think that i am feeling insecure about my standing in God or where i fit in that is not the case Maybe it is just time to accept that God has a plan for my Life that is not totally in line with what I imagined and i am sur e that if i just lift my vision a little and embrace the cross die to self and Life for Jesus then well who knows.... except God

Can I fly???? yes I can

Last night I got together with a couple of other sisters we had a group called DGB (disciple grow band)
And we were asked How we were last night in terms of if we were spiritually challenged and how we were dealing with it.
It is about 3 months or so since we meet and initally I thought well was I feeling the challenge?
Many would say that being a single parent was challenging enough.
Living in christian cummunity sharing home and life with 20 other folks plus others that are committed to the life/cause was challenge enough
I guess tehy are but that come fairly natural to me these are things that I have craved for for years disiring to live in community has burned on my soul for 15 years being in a place where i can give to God and the serve in his church and give myself to people I have ached for but not been in a place to do this untill now.
But i realised that the biggest thing that has challenged me over the past few months was the fact that a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.
Although the children are my ultimate responsablity there are tohers who have been and continue to carry a little of that burden these days and for the first time in 21 or so years I realised that God in his mercy has brought me to a place of rest.
He has provided the missing bits in the jigsaw of my childrens lives but he has done it in a way that I could never have done, And it is so so beautiful and i am at times reduced to tears
KNowing that you have folks that lobve your children and are committed to your children with teh same intensity as you are is really quite humbling and I remain everso grate to God.
He has cut away so many strings that held my wings bound to my side so that I can Fly and soar on the thermals of his love
As much as it is humbling it is a place of rejoicing

Hawk and the dove

NOw those that know me know that i am not a reader
I still remeber the feeling of shame when a certain brother was shocked to hear that i had not read the narnia books (but i am over the shame and humiliation of that one!!!!)
But A dear friend sat and read a story last week to me from the this book and i was captured (my daughter happened to have a copy) I often have read books and gained nothing it has just been empty wordds on a page that do not compute to anything other than confussion in my head so i gave up.
BUt this book has captured me
It is so so beautiful the storys have been handed down through a familys and were then published
It is not just how the monks struggle to find their idnity in God or the stuggles to overcome pride and self demial or even coping with living/working/worshipping with folks that getunder your skin (tis quite quite beautiful) but what has captured me above all of this is the young girl who the storys are being told to her ablity to grasp God at such a young age she is what can almost be discribed as an alien in her world out side of her Natural family.
there is so much of me that yeans for her simple ablity just to crave and accept and revel in the peace and acceptance she has from and in God
the childlike blity is something that is beyond our ablity as adults to capture becasue we complicate life with our issues and hang ups
do not get me wrong she had hang ups and issues but she still had her eyes firmly on the source of her peace well beautiful

randomly thinking

can you make too many life changing discissions too quickly I guess that is sort of what s on my mind right now.
Not so much thinking about destiny or where we are going to be living or anything major like that coz i am clear in me head about those things
I am sat here knowing that there is a celibates meeting tonight at cornhill and I wish i was there. I have been on the last two years ahh it is so beautiful I have never experince such strength yet gentleness, beauty and puirty of worship like i did there is was so special.
I ahve been single for 11 years and that was a discission that i made first off coz i needed time and space then becasue i wanted to hear from God as to what he wanted and also i was so aware that i needed to go through a time of healing, I know that i am still going through a time of healing and that will continue till I reach glory.
Any way about 18 months ago i decided that i was going to do a time as a probationary celibate and seek God over my futre my leadership at the time did not have any strong wisdom either way. any way after about 10 months i felt that was not the course my life should take at that point
there had been so much going on in my life and it really was not the time to jump on a band wagon
plus i was in a real chrisis about my self image as i had lost loads of weight and i was really unsure about who i was.
so when i moved to promise i made a point of sharing that i was no longer doing probationary and that i did not feel that it was the path for me
it is such a precious gift and for me if i blew it that would be the worst that could be and i could never revisit and that was too much of a risk for me personally to betray the ultimate bride was too much too take on
any way I realised that i was also so convinced that i was unmarryable I did not belive that anyone would look at me i held no prospect of any one ever looking and seeing that i could possible be loveable of anything near wife material ( maybe to a degree that is still the case)
Any wya in all of I realised that i desperately want God to bless me with a husband that will love and respect me.
but tehre is part of me that really envys folks that can embrace the celibate gift but realising that is not me has been painful be also a time of growth and now i have to move on with a vision and resolve in my heart but i guess there will always be a little bit of my heart that will pang at these times in our church calender
any way enough of my ramblings

new rooms new era

hi folks
I know that i have not been posting too often somefing to do with life being busy ... wel plinly crazy if i am honest.
Well It is All change for us as a family (me and my 2 children) and for us as a house family Those of us who live in at promise house) There has been lots of business going on for weeks with one family along with help preparing the top floor of the house so that they could move up there freeing their rooms for us to move into and for a single sister to move in. Well this all happeed finally ove rhte weekend... (up untill that point myself and my daughter had been in one room on the ground floor and my son had been in a room the other end or the house on the top floor( (quite manic when i over slept in the mornings)
Any way we are now in our family rooms that is a large room with a bit extra for my self and my daughter and a room for my son adn a bathroom . it is great so we are busy making it home...(only not too homely or we will not want to be in the rest of the house which defeats the need for community)
So have we moved in well almost we are now at promise 6 nights a week and we have 1 night a week at our place 9 i ahve to admit that i find it hard i want to be here all the time but if it was not tought it would not mean any thing
litle things have been said and happened that make me feel like we belong of late like one of the leaders refurring to my car as a community.
I was not too sure of the impact this journey would ahve on the children moving from having their own home tv and all that the world has to offer to sharing a home with other familys/singles I would be nieve if i was not concerned esp my daughter i really did not think that she would cope, but there was and is so much grace I think that since we moved in in july the children have only once or twice complained they are bored which was a phrase that cropped up all the time in the past it is clear that t.v and internet and all that they had in the world does not square up in any way to the kingdom life that is full busy and colourful.
My son went to a friends sleep over on friday night and when i picked him up he was with drawn and quite i was so worried i thought ...... well i will not tell you what i thought.. any way it was over 30 minute car drive back to promise so we were able to chat coming home and it became clear that the issue was he missed being at home at promise he could not cope with not having his family and with in a few short mins of being home he had gone round hugging the folks that matter and he was back to his noisy chatty self
as for my daughter she is unrecognisable as the girl that moved in with me in july she is growing into a young woman who loves God and see her life very much a work of grace
all i can say is if you have not yet taken a risk and asked God into your life do it life will never be the same again
all this world has to offer can't campare to the joy that we have and are finding in living all out for jesus
God is a genius and community rocks
I have lived my life many other ways and would i go back there never i would not have it any other way

accountable freedom

I know that I have just posted but I have something else that I wanted to share with you folks that are bored enough to read my ramblings
if you know me you will know that I love clothes I like to spend money well you are wrong
I was caught in this endless cycle of guity enery sapping nothingness
I thought that if I looked the way that I thought that people thought that I should then it woulfd be ok
the truth of the matter is I was in this cycle of having too much choice and too much resources to expand the choices in my life and it sent me into a massive panic all of the time and you know when you are driving and someone keeps their lights on beam you panic coz you can not see well that was me and money and pocessions and I was screaming turn off the lights so that i could see
I did not want to be bamboozled by teh bright city lights but I was so dazzled that i could not step out of the headlights
well now I have been rescued and life is so much easier
I look balkc to the begining to the summer when I moved into promise I was in this constant panic all of the time to teh extend that i was so unsure of my self that i would ahve to change my clothes many times before I could even come out of my room in the morning I was in such a desperate stress an th more i was in this stress the more I had to spend and the bigger the choice got and th worse it got
any wya I was able to come clean about ti with a dear friend and now I do not hold my finacees
and i discuss what I need to do and the bills that i need to pay and to be honest it is really like dropping the mill stone that was dragging me down and it is beutiful and lovely and I am so much more free in my life space and head capacity to get on with the things tht matter that is building zion
I love the life that i am living and i would not have it any other way

when you think about nothing

I was thinking the other day and realised just how much time I think about nothing.
I know that sounds crazy, But I am realising that nothing is ever silent.
If you manage to find somewhere that you think is silent listen and you will hear somehing weather it is the wind or the beating of your own heart, or it might be a creak or a sqeek but we live in a world that is totally filled with sound.
You may be wondering what has brought me to this place of thinking about this. Well some of you will know that I have reduced hearing well I now only have 20% natural hearing and I am very reliant now on the two digital hearing aids that I have been blessed to receive, well one day last week I lost the hearing comepletely even with the aids in one of my ears, to say that I was freaked out was a bit of an understatement, But it is funnty how other senses seem to over compensate when you lose one. Any way A senoir leader prayed and the next day my hearing was restored back to where it had been the day before I still beleive that God will one day restore it fully but I be;leive that i have learnign curve to negoitae first.
any way in all of this I realised that no matter how much I think I realised that so much of my thinking is taken up with nothing so many times folks have said what did you think about today and I do not have a clue yet I realise that my mind like my workd is never still I ahve this capacity to fill my mind and my space with nothing so much of my life seems to drift past me.
so i was thinking that God has a plan for my nothing ness so I am going on a nothingness fast
when I realise that I am in nothing land i am going to be active and put my willl and spirit into action
it is going to be a bit like an atlete training for a race I know that it is not going to happen over night but I know that passivity drains the mind and soul and it is one of the devils pots to render me inaffective as a christian
so if you see me drifting off into nothing land please remind me I am in training
I will reach the finish line and I will receive the goal that God has set out for me I will be an affective sister and bring glory to the king that is worthy of what ever small offering I ma able to bring and lay at his feet
thanks for reading my random ramblings