well!!!! I am there the deed is done

Hi Folks
Just to update you on my walk in to freeing myself from the world
On monday I spent all morning tranferring money/bank accounts and stuff so I no longer have any money Praise God......
I know that this is where the battle begins... I am under no ellusions that it is going to be easy.... I have been my own boss for all my life controlled things in the world of Dee.
But now I am giving up house and home for the Kingdom.
I have given notice to my Landlord and have 4 weekes to wind up the proprty before I hand it back on the 1st of January 2007.

And next tuesday I have my long awaited Date with the ever popular peter foster ( for those that do not know what that means he is a driving trainer that assess outr ablity to drive saftely and teaches us to think ahead and stuff and if he says I am not safe I can not dive a fleet car)
I ahve always said that this would be my stumbling block I hope that all goes well but it is down to God and I just have to trust that all is going to be ok and I will do my best to be humble.

So I have arrived 6 months ahead of schedule And now the adventure really does begin

Thank you God for all that you have done in bringing us this far may my life reflect something of the love that you poured out and in us.

Thank you to all my brothers and sisters for helping us along the path I am sure that I am going to need to lean on youi just as much but I hope that you and others will feel that you can lean on me

So for the next chapter in this journey that I embarked on 15 years ago Watch this space

when you think that God has sorted you and then!!!!!

I think that i am possibly going through one of the most intently painful times that I have ever experinced and I really do not know how to get through other than cling on To God.

There are issues that I guess I have allowed God into on one level but God wants to get a bit deeper on these issues.
Last night we had our sunday evening meeting I knew that I was going to be challenged.. I was thinking of ways of not going at all but they were all emty excuces none that wanrrented asking my shepherd for time at home....
I just wanted to get in thecar and drive forever.
So I decided that i could escape into my role as a welcomer... couldn't I.... God had other ideas I thinnk that it was the quietest sunday nights I had ever known at Cov.....
Simon played this dvd called Lump
It was agony and I was to rip his head off...... ( I love him and respect him really)
I knew that I had to respond but I did not know how or what would happen so I sat on the floor and cried and cried and God pinned me to that floor coz everything in me was screaming to run.
But I could not speak about the pain All I could do is look for God and speak his name just as i thought that it was easing Simon started to speak of his dad not I did have murderous thoughts toward my brother....... I was hit with another wave of intense pain but it was so intense I had to block it I could not bear it any longer so the door is shut once more and hte padlock firmly rusted over.
Time to focus on the fact that this is the week that I move style 3 all the adresses have been changed and the bank account is being closed I am sure that is enough to be dealing with not stuff that happened years ago isn't it?????

there's still God

Hi Folks
Well we have been living the dream now full time for 4 months
Is it all I dremt about? Yes and more
Life in community is not easy but ahhh it is so beautiful
but I have cried more in the last month or so than I have in long time there have been times when I wonder if I am heading for another break down but when I reach the end of my self I look and there is still God looking at me and reaching and longing for me to cry out I canot do this .....
I am sooooo glad that I can not do this with out the Father
I am glad that God has made it impossible to do community with out him
I am about 10 days away now from going style 3 that is when I pool all my resources and live as one relying on my brethren and them on me and together on God
I know that there will be times that i will react as money has and can still be a strong hold in my life. I have been preparing for this for a few months by being completely accountable on the money front and I ahve to say that it has been many other issues that have brought me down Gods grace floows often to what we see as the lesser issues but God knows best and he has stepped in so much when I have been weak and can do no more and it is beautiful

the cross

what about when whatyou thyink is asked of you is beyond you
How can I be sure what He is asking of me is the right path
What if i fail
I do not know if i am strong enough
How can I be sure Pray for me please
I do not know
I am not sure
All I know is that I am in agony
And I want to know My God more
update
God has been so precious I have been thorough a time of breaking still am but he is walking with me and gathering me together to be the daughter/woman that he has called me to be I know that at this point in my life I do not need to make any discissions I can just learn to be me to embrace celibacy would destroy all that is going on right now
I do not need to fit in to any box right now I can just be in God and enjoy the adventure of finding Dee and allowing God to heal and restore

the weeping saviour

sounds confussing
well that is sort of how i feel at he moment
although my feet are firmly on the rock I am going through a time that to some in the world would be seen as an emotional break down but I would have to say that it is more like God breaking my will.
Painful yes indeded it is but at the same time it is very beautiful there are no words that can discribe it coz words make it all seem condrictionary
here is an extract from the Hawk and the dove that put it al little more clearly i think
but maybe not
I have been reading the section Called the wounds of God it focuses on a monk called francis who has endured much pain in his life and the Abbot is pursaded by another monk to probe a little the pain that unfolds is deep. this poor man has held it in
he sees that he brother hood is so precious but he belives that he is not worthy to stay but has stived and struggled to be accepted but he just feels condemed
then the Aboot says if you can not put the darkness out of your mind then maybe you should face it. Frrancis feels that it will destroy him and so does the abbot
so he opens the door and goes out in to the night he hears a sound and follows it he hears someone weepinghe belives tht there is someone in trouble so follows the sounds of sobbing /weeping "And someone is crying in the darkness in bitter destress. I can't find him. I'm searching for him looking everywhere . Wait-there, under the trees. A man, crounching, bowed down to the ground, Oh the lonliness of him. He is broken. Hes- he's afraid. I've never seen a man in such despair ... I must Go and... Oh God, it's Jesus!Out here alone. Jesus.... he was out here even before I came out >He was out here all the time, in the lonley place where abadonment and fear belong. He has always been here. I think it... it is gethsemane.
What are you going to do? asked peregrine (the Abbot) in fascination. Brother Francis looked at him incredulousy. Do? Stay with him Of course I can not leave him alone in this destress. I couldn't abandon him. Jesus, my heart my Love.. His courage is the hearth of the night. As long as he is here, in the darkness is home The outside has become the very centre. Jesus... My lord and my God.
then a little while on
There was some thing that peregrine wanted to know. He was He was reluctant to intrude on francis's comtemplation. Then he said the door of that house did you shut it behind you when you went out?
No I was scared to go out. I wanted to leave a way back in. You can shut it behind you now, I'll be alright here.
The resuce of the pain damage agony. The beauty of Jesus who goes through it with us every step of the way and then some
Yesterday I was in the most intense agony I think that i Have ever been in as a christian and I had been in for a few days I know what God was calling me to lay down for him But it all seems so scarey Like an endless dark emptiness that I could not even consider stepping into
And then a brother stood up at the end of the meeting and twisted the knife a little more when he talked about suffering for zion with out suffering for zion zion would die because it would not be precious to us we would no longer fight for the cause that God had laid on our hearts it would become somethig that would become disguarded
I do not know how i am going to tread the path that God has asked me to but I have said I am willing to surrender it to him and if it comes back then the mantle i will embrace
But right now it is just too painful to embrace it would cut me and destroy me and I know that is not what God has intended
those that know me may know what all of this means please pray that I can walk the path in truth and purity
I know that I have to step out in to he darkness and embrace my weeping saviour



just come back in to add that this is not about me feeling the need to be accepted !! (Well that is not what i felt as i wrote this someone may read this and think that i am feeling insecure about my standing in God or where i fit in that is not the case Maybe it is just time to accept that God has a plan for my Life that is not totally in line with what I imagined and i am sur e that if i just lift my vision a little and embrace the cross die to self and Life for Jesus then well who knows.... except God

Can I fly???? yes I can

Last night I got together with a couple of other sisters we had a group called DGB (disciple grow band)
And we were asked How we were last night in terms of if we were spiritually challenged and how we were dealing with it.
It is about 3 months or so since we meet and initally I thought well was I feeling the challenge?
Many would say that being a single parent was challenging enough.
Living in christian cummunity sharing home and life with 20 other folks plus others that are committed to the life/cause was challenge enough
I guess tehy are but that come fairly natural to me these are things that I have craved for for years disiring to live in community has burned on my soul for 15 years being in a place where i can give to God and the serve in his church and give myself to people I have ached for but not been in a place to do this untill now.
But i realised that the biggest thing that has challenged me over the past few months was the fact that a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.
Although the children are my ultimate responsablity there are tohers who have been and continue to carry a little of that burden these days and for the first time in 21 or so years I realised that God in his mercy has brought me to a place of rest.
He has provided the missing bits in the jigsaw of my childrens lives but he has done it in a way that I could never have done, And it is so so beautiful and i am at times reduced to tears
KNowing that you have folks that lobve your children and are committed to your children with teh same intensity as you are is really quite humbling and I remain everso grate to God.
He has cut away so many strings that held my wings bound to my side so that I can Fly and soar on the thermals of his love
As much as it is humbling it is a place of rejoicing

Hawk and the dove

NOw those that know me know that i am not a reader
I still remeber the feeling of shame when a certain brother was shocked to hear that i had not read the narnia books (but i am over the shame and humiliation of that one!!!!)
But A dear friend sat and read a story last week to me from the this book and i was captured (my daughter happened to have a copy) I often have read books and gained nothing it has just been empty wordds on a page that do not compute to anything other than confussion in my head so i gave up.
BUt this book has captured me
It is so so beautiful the storys have been handed down through a familys and were then published
It is not just how the monks struggle to find their idnity in God or the stuggles to overcome pride and self demial or even coping with living/working/worshipping with folks that getunder your skin (tis quite quite beautiful) but what has captured me above all of this is the young girl who the storys are being told to her ablity to grasp God at such a young age she is what can almost be discribed as an alien in her world out side of her Natural family.
there is so much of me that yeans for her simple ablity just to crave and accept and revel in the peace and acceptance she has from and in God
the childlike blity is something that is beyond our ablity as adults to capture becasue we complicate life with our issues and hang ups
do not get me wrong she had hang ups and issues but she still had her eyes firmly on the source of her peace well beautiful

randomly thinking

can you make too many life changing discissions too quickly I guess that is sort of what s on my mind right now.
Not so much thinking about destiny or where we are going to be living or anything major like that coz i am clear in me head about those things
I am sat here knowing that there is a celibates meeting tonight at cornhill and I wish i was there. I have been on the last two years ahh it is so beautiful I have never experince such strength yet gentleness, beauty and puirty of worship like i did there is was so special.
I ahve been single for 11 years and that was a discission that i made first off coz i needed time and space then becasue i wanted to hear from God as to what he wanted and also i was so aware that i needed to go through a time of healing, I know that i am still going through a time of healing and that will continue till I reach glory.
Any way about 18 months ago i decided that i was going to do a time as a probationary celibate and seek God over my futre my leadership at the time did not have any strong wisdom either way. any way after about 10 months i felt that was not the course my life should take at that point
there had been so much going on in my life and it really was not the time to jump on a band wagon
plus i was in a real chrisis about my self image as i had lost loads of weight and i was really unsure about who i was.
so when i moved to promise i made a point of sharing that i was no longer doing probationary and that i did not feel that it was the path for me
it is such a precious gift and for me if i blew it that would be the worst that could be and i could never revisit and that was too much of a risk for me personally to betray the ultimate bride was too much too take on
any way I realised that i was also so convinced that i was unmarryable I did not belive that anyone would look at me i held no prospect of any one ever looking and seeing that i could possible be loveable of anything near wife material ( maybe to a degree that is still the case)
Any wya in all of I realised that i desperately want God to bless me with a husband that will love and respect me.
but tehre is part of me that really envys folks that can embrace the celibate gift but realising that is not me has been painful be also a time of growth and now i have to move on with a vision and resolve in my heart but i guess there will always be a little bit of my heart that will pang at these times in our church calender
any way enough of my ramblings

new rooms new era

hi folks
I know that i have not been posting too often somefing to do with life being busy ... wel plinly crazy if i am honest.
Well It is All change for us as a family (me and my 2 children) and for us as a house family Those of us who live in at promise house) There has been lots of business going on for weeks with one family along with help preparing the top floor of the house so that they could move up there freeing their rooms for us to move into and for a single sister to move in. Well this all happeed finally ove rhte weekend... (up untill that point myself and my daughter had been in one room on the ground floor and my son had been in a room the other end or the house on the top floor( (quite manic when i over slept in the mornings)
Any way we are now in our family rooms that is a large room with a bit extra for my self and my daughter and a room for my son adn a bathroom . it is great so we are busy making it home...(only not too homely or we will not want to be in the rest of the house which defeats the need for community)
So have we moved in well almost we are now at promise 6 nights a week and we have 1 night a week at our place 9 i ahve to admit that i find it hard i want to be here all the time but if it was not tought it would not mean any thing
litle things have been said and happened that make me feel like we belong of late like one of the leaders refurring to my car as a community.
I was not too sure of the impact this journey would ahve on the children moving from having their own home tv and all that the world has to offer to sharing a home with other familys/singles I would be nieve if i was not concerned esp my daughter i really did not think that she would cope, but there was and is so much grace I think that since we moved in in july the children have only once or twice complained they are bored which was a phrase that cropped up all the time in the past it is clear that t.v and internet and all that they had in the world does not square up in any way to the kingdom life that is full busy and colourful.
My son went to a friends sleep over on friday night and when i picked him up he was with drawn and quite i was so worried i thought ...... well i will not tell you what i thought.. any way it was over 30 minute car drive back to promise so we were able to chat coming home and it became clear that the issue was he missed being at home at promise he could not cope with not having his family and with in a few short mins of being home he had gone round hugging the folks that matter and he was back to his noisy chatty self
as for my daughter she is unrecognisable as the girl that moved in with me in july she is growing into a young woman who loves God and see her life very much a work of grace
all i can say is if you have not yet taken a risk and asked God into your life do it life will never be the same again
all this world has to offer can't campare to the joy that we have and are finding in living all out for jesus
God is a genius and community rocks
I have lived my life many other ways and would i go back there never i would not have it any other way

accountable freedom

I know that I have just posted but I have something else that I wanted to share with you folks that are bored enough to read my ramblings
if you know me you will know that I love clothes I like to spend money well you are wrong
I was caught in this endless cycle of guity enery sapping nothingness
I thought that if I looked the way that I thought that people thought that I should then it woulfd be ok
the truth of the matter is I was in this cycle of having too much choice and too much resources to expand the choices in my life and it sent me into a massive panic all of the time and you know when you are driving and someone keeps their lights on beam you panic coz you can not see well that was me and money and pocessions and I was screaming turn off the lights so that i could see
I did not want to be bamboozled by teh bright city lights but I was so dazzled that i could not step out of the headlights
well now I have been rescued and life is so much easier
I look balkc to the begining to the summer when I moved into promise I was in this constant panic all of the time to teh extend that i was so unsure of my self that i would ahve to change my clothes many times before I could even come out of my room in the morning I was in such a desperate stress an th more i was in this stress the more I had to spend and the bigger the choice got and th worse it got
any wya I was able to come clean about ti with a dear friend and now I do not hold my finacees
and i discuss what I need to do and the bills that i need to pay and to be honest it is really like dropping the mill stone that was dragging me down and it is beutiful and lovely and I am so much more free in my life space and head capacity to get on with the things tht matter that is building zion
I love the life that i am living and i would not have it any other way

when you think about nothing

I was thinking the other day and realised just how much time I think about nothing.
I know that sounds crazy, But I am realising that nothing is ever silent.
If you manage to find somewhere that you think is silent listen and you will hear somehing weather it is the wind or the beating of your own heart, or it might be a creak or a sqeek but we live in a world that is totally filled with sound.
You may be wondering what has brought me to this place of thinking about this. Well some of you will know that I have reduced hearing well I now only have 20% natural hearing and I am very reliant now on the two digital hearing aids that I have been blessed to receive, well one day last week I lost the hearing comepletely even with the aids in one of my ears, to say that I was freaked out was a bit of an understatement, But it is funnty how other senses seem to over compensate when you lose one. Any way A senoir leader prayed and the next day my hearing was restored back to where it had been the day before I still beleive that God will one day restore it fully but I be;leive that i have learnign curve to negoitae first.
any way in all of this I realised that no matter how much I think I realised that so much of my thinking is taken up with nothing so many times folks have said what did you think about today and I do not have a clue yet I realise that my mind like my workd is never still I ahve this capacity to fill my mind and my space with nothing so much of my life seems to drift past me.
so i was thinking that God has a plan for my nothing ness so I am going on a nothingness fast
when I realise that I am in nothing land i am going to be active and put my willl and spirit into action
it is going to be a bit like an atlete training for a race I know that it is not going to happen over night but I know that passivity drains the mind and soul and it is one of the devils pots to render me inaffective as a christian
so if you see me drifting off into nothing land please remind me I am in training
I will reach the finish line and I will receive the goal that God has set out for me I will be an affective sister and bring glory to the king that is worthy of what ever small offering I ma able to bring and lay at his feet
thanks for reading my random ramblings

pain people inflict!!!!

I was thinking to myself how many of us really think about how our word/actins affect others
I know that I only really think about how others hurt me or how I see unfairness toward others
I never really understand people to much and I know that I rarely think about why a person acts or reacts in a certain manner.
I know that I am all to erady to defend my own actions and I am al too ready to say well i do this becasue of what happened x number of times or years ago to me.
But this weekend I was reminded in a massive way that we are new creation beings the old has died and we are or should be living new creation.
I have watch my daughter becoming transformed over this summer and she challenges me on my excuses all of the time.
She has stepped well more like run out of the darkness of damage and pain that she had inflicted on her or took on herself and has lept into being new creation and living very much in the light of healing.
I know that I hvae so much to learn from the simplicity that she sees
Having said all of the above it is not always so simple to live it out (in my humble opinion) or is that a cope out I will let you decide
I know that I am challenged to see God more clearly and to allow his love/lite and healing to move deeper into my
How easy ti is for us to become ineffective as christians by what has happened in the past that we choose to drag into our future.
I know all too well how easy it is for me to get into my head and to find every excuse not to move in my new creations erbirth and that is where my brothers and sisters around me challenge me
I kow with some of the stuff that I have been encountering recently I would have not coped in the past I would have slipped out of the healing that God has blessed me with and moved in to the old darkenss which for me was depression
because of the family God has surrounded me with I can move in the light of his healing and I can continue to be effective and build the kingdom today and not sit around proclaiming we are in the end times and life is doomed so why bother
this is all a bit random but I hope that you can sort of gleen something from it
no matte how dark things have been in the past no matter what the pain today you are a new creation and you can live in it with the help of your brothers/sister
I know that they are the hands that stop me from falling
I would not have it any other way

I stopped

hi folks
A few posts back I was stressing about how I was not coping with how to safetly bring up my children I am sure that it is every parents worst fears
Any way I stopped stressing and guess what God stepped in
When I realised that i was stopping God from getting in by doing it all I stepped back with many struggles and handed my daughter over to her Father and guess what he meet her big style
She was baptised in the spirit and she is getting baptised in water in a couple of weeks So you wanna come see my beautiful daughter die get healed and raised again well it will be at coventry Jesus center on sunday 24 september at 6 pm
she wants to see God move in power and lives changed other than her own
he eldest brother who is so not in God is coming andf he is bring his lady and his other band mambers what a miracle thanks God
if you know wharer sarah pure or fealess are drag em along coz her heart aches to see you back in the fold
it is fantastic coz my daughter and I are lvoing each other in a new freedom and we talk now and we share our hearts it is wonderful
ah yeah and my youngest is off to high school tomorrrow
no more little uns as they keep reminding me
and as i keep telling em they will always be my babies

summer over winds of autumn signal changes

well we have been living at promise all summer and I guess it is time to reflect
TIme has vanished and there is an air of sadness and excitment in my heart.
Things are very much changing as we embark on a closer walk as disciples
we will be at promise 5 nights a week as we gear up for life in christian community but there is still much preparaton to do. I know that there are areas in my life that I need to surrender. I guess that we have very much been through a honeymoon time over the summer becasue I knew that we could run home if the fire got too hot But I do not feel that I was over challenged during this summer but i am sure that there will be times when i feel the need to react
But I know that as we move through the winter months I am sure that folks will cross my flesh and I am sure that it will cause reactions in me but I know that it is about eternity i am building for the futre and nopt for today
I have longed and craved accountablity and it is begining o happen finaly
I my heart is craving transparency I do not any longer want to be hiding in the shadows any longer I have spent to much of my life hiding in the shadows of my sin and now it is time for Gods light to shine and to live a life that is open and accountable
and I know that my brethren will help me to acheive this
I want to see the kingdom shining out
yesterday I was at a friends house back in Mlavern I had recently added her name to our mailing list she was one of the folks I was not too sure how she was going to react to beging sent our magazine but I decided that if she did not want it she could let me know
any way she was sooooo grateful and was thrilled when i told her that she would get one every quater
so go on be brave go through your adress book you never know how they will rteact untill they receive one
building the kingdom is not about popularity it is about eternity

When grace imparts more than you knew you needed

Well last week was gloryously exhusting.
I haad the honour and privaldge of taking hte gospel on to the streets of worcester with the team from whitestone (one of the other houses in coventry)
I have held this vision for work in worcster in my heart for 15 years so it was with gret joy that i joined the team for a few days. Why was worcester buring in my heart
well partly because I grew up near there but also becasue i know the need there for God, But i guess one can say that about every town and city in evry country of the world.
I was deeply challenged by the need there and htere was one person that I had the privaldge to meet that really got in to my heart and i hope that we made some kind of impact on her and i desperately hope that she gets in contact again one day and that she to experinces the freedom that I have found.
I got home exhusted every night knowing that there was another day ahead but God poured grace adn favour on us and as the week moved on into teh weekend I found my spirit soared and my natural strength ebbed but I have come home a changed p[erson with a knowing needed to seek God for my own walk but to encorperate others in the faith that I have found
On returing home I knew that i was due to have a conversation with my household leaders as to when I can move in at house family breakfast on sunday there were hints that I would be asked to wait and how was I going to cope with that I ache to live in community and to give up all that holds me back but God in his love for me prepared me through the day so that when we did get together I was able to take on board the answer to wait and to take in why but I now have a frame work and I am clear as to why and that we have work to do so that when we move in we are not crushed and in view of the fact that we are going to be staying 4 nights a week and all school holidays i guess tht is going to be a real trainig ground I am part of the team andwe work as a team adn I am building for eternity and I know that by june we will be doing this full time
in the mean time promise might have a common purse issue with having to buy new doors coz i keep bashing em down in my entusiasm to be here doing the business full time

travelling lighter !!!!!

I went back to my roots this week to spend time with my folks.
my relationship with my mum has not always been easy and my dad bless him drives me nuts.
But in it all i know that they need jesus and I relise how i need the grace to accept them in all that they are. And realising that Folks around me also need a bucketful of grace to cope with me is a humbling experince.
It is all to easy to see other folks faults and to major on what is wrong with others and to think that we are perfect is all to easy.
It is when we begin to realise that we are the ones that are difficult and do not fit in the perfect square hole that is when God can reach us and begin to mold us into something that has the potential to be beautiful.


Last week I went away to vist some friends at a community house up north even though they share my vision and live community I craved to be home (promise) with the living stones which i am building with.
Going away this week just seemed to be harder than ever.
Do not get me wrong I love my parents so much. I arrived back at Whitestone to pick my daughter up and when I walked in they had begun their grace time and I realised just being in the world for a a couple of days hiow dry I had become.
That may sound strange but It has made me realise how vigilant I need to be over the things of the spirit.
I got home to promise and realised just how out of sorts I was and spent a while just soaking in the spirit that was around the house there was noone around as everyone had gone out to tea or had already gone to bed. But he spirit of the house was one of restoring me.
II went off to bed and just rested in God
I have woken this morning there is still noone around but that does not matter as there is a beautiful spirit around and once the day gets going folks will be popping up and I have the joy of preparing a meal for my family to return home to.
Now that is natural family
Ah Lord may my blood family see you and your Kingdom

out of love for those that matter

right I have gone black coz i care about your eyes
I have temporaily moved into promise house for the summer..... Am I challenged? to righty. is it good ??? flippin brill.
It si the little things that seem to make me think.
I have had my own home for over 20 years now and have been responsable for my own cooking and washing and cleaning.
Well on sunday evening i was pining my tag on my washing so that Jenny knew where it was coming back to not that it could be mistaken as I think that i am the only one that does pink ... well the way i do...
And i never realised how much washing I generated and it made me think well I have only worn that once or for a few houras ect so it can go back on the hanger etc it was a real challenge now i refuse to apologise if that sounds shallow..
then there is thinking I will just sit curled up with a book for 20 mins and then one of the toddlers starts screaming and you wanna say shut up but it is not your child so it is not your place. And the n the mum is not in teh place emotionally to deal so what do you do get along side the mum?? who is in a state or teh child that is in a state???
then yoiu ahve had 6 people moan at you child.
Life is fantastic I love it and already my heart is breaking coz of the thought of going home in september
so what is next????
who is gonna be brave enough to say Dee i need your car today so you ahve to change your plans bring it on let the cross cut deep
I am away for a few days now but will up date in a day or so

Are you happy with who you are

Are you happy with who you are?

That was a question i was asked last night!

Was I happy That God created me a woman?

I guess it is all too easy to spend our lives scrrying around from one scheme to the next trying to prove our worthyness and value as woman fighting to prove that we can do life with out the need for a man. Screaming at the world becasue we want equality we do not want to be seen as needing to be under authority.

Many of us trying to be Men as asspose tot eh womaen That God in his infite wisdom made us.

I ahve to say I am very Happy to be A woman and not have to be held accountable as to weather i did a good job as far as shepherding and having spitual responsbality for others. I know that i fight and wriggle sometimes but i am glad to be a woman under a mans authority.

I realise that in it all the healing that has taken place It is like the last 30 odd years i have been emerging out of a dark tunnel like a butterfly comeing out of being a catapillar.

But i have found my place In a wonderful diverse Kingdom where no matter what teh blemish is I am loved and accepted and I can move in the healing grace of the king of glory and no one can ever take that away from me no matter what the futre may hold.

One thing that I realised is that I do not want to be single strange statement to make it is something that I ahve struggled with anc considered a life of singleness for God but realised that it would ahve not been a sacreifice it would ahve been a convience as i would have been hiding from the inner pain and turmil that was very real

I realised that I am clumsey and walk over peoples feelings but I see it as a posative that I am able to recognise that becasue i can work at rtying to be a little more sensative and supportive to those God has choosen to surround me with and that my needs are not paramount.

I Love the life that God has brought me into

dispite my last post I am very happy at being a mum yes regretful that I did not do it differently but hey who am I to rtegrett what God had ordained before the world was even created

So yes i can resoundingly say Thank You God for making me me

no I do not anylonger wish i was a butterfly I am happy being the woman God is shaping me into

the end of my rope !!!!

I have had it I am throwing in the towel.
If God was to take me back in time and say yoiu now have a choice be a parent or not I would opt not to be...... Do not take that wrong I love my kids and i would die for them.... But the pain of being parent is sometimes too hard..... And life as a single parent is soooooo lonley and I have had enough. I look at my kids I have 2 that are screwed up on drugs one of which i saw tonight and he looked a mess and is wearing the same clothes he was 2 weeks ago, all i get from him is manipulation and disrepect and i can not do this any more and the older one all i seem to get is can you help we need money or food or what ever I am tired.
And the younger two well my daughter is so dam abocessed with going to hang out on street corners and at teh godivia staue in cov where all the flippin goths and druggies hang out all I have had for weeks is her bangin on that she has no freedom and how much she wants to be 18 so she can get away from me and this week end we had a festival in cov and she wanted to go I said no and stuck to it and she is so full of resentment and i can not do this any more
and my younger one has started to do stuff that is not good whaich i will not go in to but follows the path of two of my other children and i feel so flippin alone
I lost it when we got home tonight and told them they can do what they want as i am resigning i am not doing anything any more i will not stop them from doing anything it is their life i am too worn down to carry on
GOD help please i can not do this any more
I so wanted my kidws childhoods to be full of happy memories and all i ahve ended up with is damged kids
i wanna shout and scream
my heart is breaking and it is so dam painful and i do not know where to go for hgelp
I come over as capable but i am not all i ever wanted was to get married be a good wife and mother and i ahve stuffed that up
I have ended uyop with 4 damaged kids 4 bad relationships and a failed marriage
I am tred and weary and i can not go on and i am fed up withbeing dependable and reliable
I want the world t know that i do not have a clue what i am doing and i am worn out with trying I need rescuing well my kids need rescuing

so where or what??

I have been challenged of late about thinkning about my fellow bros and sisters and how i can build relationship.
Life is so very busy as so many will testify to and it is so easy to let a week/month /few months go by and realise that I ahve lost a close one due to the business of life.
so if yoiu are one of thsoe close ones that i ahve neglected or even not such a close one then i am sorry please forgive my blinkerd view of my own exisitance please feel free to entreat me in to looking at the wider world out side of the land of dee.
Any way my boss asked me to think of a question for brotherhood the other day. well I had jut finished reading James blog about an evening they had had at home building so I thought that i wopuld pick the brains and experinces of my fellow zion dwellers and see what they came up with.
there was a few that said thay find that finding time and space to pray together helps break down barriers that we put up one said he found that climbing a moutain helped
then tehre were a couple of lovely folks sugested absailing and jumping out of planes and such
not quite what was on my heart
for me i think that going somewhere away from the modern day life away from the phone and computer and mobile and going basic appeals to me
any way today i was at promise and we were clearing out the freezer it was amazing how much i got to know the person i was clearing out the freezer with and we talked more than we had in a while which was so good
so i realised that building does not ahve to be a special time set apart you can do it and be really blessed in a very simple way
saying that I am going to walk througha forest tomorrow with a dear friend we are climbing up in to the tree tops and do teh sky walk i can not wait
sp ahve a good weekend and remeber weather simple daily stuff or special times it is possible to build something beautiful