the weeping saviour

sounds confussing
well that is sort of how i feel at he moment
although my feet are firmly on the rock I am going through a time that to some in the world would be seen as an emotional break down but I would have to say that it is more like God breaking my will.
Painful yes indeded it is but at the same time it is very beautiful there are no words that can discribe it coz words make it all seem condrictionary
here is an extract from the Hawk and the dove that put it al little more clearly i think
but maybe not
I have been reading the section Called the wounds of God it focuses on a monk called francis who has endured much pain in his life and the Abbot is pursaded by another monk to probe a little the pain that unfolds is deep. this poor man has held it in
he sees that he brother hood is so precious but he belives that he is not worthy to stay but has stived and struggled to be accepted but he just feels condemed
then the Aboot says if you can not put the darkness out of your mind then maybe you should face it. Frrancis feels that it will destroy him and so does the abbot
so he opens the door and goes out in to the night he hears a sound and follows it he hears someone weepinghe belives tht there is someone in trouble so follows the sounds of sobbing /weeping "And someone is crying in the darkness in bitter destress. I can't find him. I'm searching for him looking everywhere . Wait-there, under the trees. A man, crounching, bowed down to the ground, Oh the lonliness of him. He is broken. Hes- he's afraid. I've never seen a man in such despair ... I must Go and... Oh God, it's Jesus!Out here alone. Jesus.... he was out here even before I came out >He was out here all the time, in the lonley place where abadonment and fear belong. He has always been here. I think it... it is gethsemane.
What are you going to do? asked peregrine (the Abbot) in fascination. Brother Francis looked at him incredulousy. Do? Stay with him Of course I can not leave him alone in this destress. I couldn't abandon him. Jesus, my heart my Love.. His courage is the hearth of the night. As long as he is here, in the darkness is home The outside has become the very centre. Jesus... My lord and my God.
then a little while on
There was some thing that peregrine wanted to know. He was He was reluctant to intrude on francis's comtemplation. Then he said the door of that house did you shut it behind you when you went out?
No I was scared to go out. I wanted to leave a way back in. You can shut it behind you now, I'll be alright here.
The resuce of the pain damage agony. The beauty of Jesus who goes through it with us every step of the way and then some
Yesterday I was in the most intense agony I think that i Have ever been in as a christian and I had been in for a few days I know what God was calling me to lay down for him But it all seems so scarey Like an endless dark emptiness that I could not even consider stepping into
And then a brother stood up at the end of the meeting and twisted the knife a little more when he talked about suffering for zion with out suffering for zion zion would die because it would not be precious to us we would no longer fight for the cause that God had laid on our hearts it would become somethig that would become disguarded
I do not know how i am going to tread the path that God has asked me to but I have said I am willing to surrender it to him and if it comes back then the mantle i will embrace
But right now it is just too painful to embrace it would cut me and destroy me and I know that is not what God has intended
those that know me may know what all of this means please pray that I can walk the path in truth and purity
I know that I have to step out in to he darkness and embrace my weeping saviour



just come back in to add that this is not about me feeling the need to be accepted !! (Well that is not what i felt as i wrote this someone may read this and think that i am feeling insecure about my standing in God or where i fit in that is not the case Maybe it is just time to accept that God has a plan for my Life that is not totally in line with what I imagined and i am sur e that if i just lift my vision a little and embrace the cross die to self and Life for Jesus then well who knows.... except God