when you think that God has sorted you and then!!!!!

I think that i am possibly going through one of the most intently painful times that I have ever experinced and I really do not know how to get through other than cling on To God.

There are issues that I guess I have allowed God into on one level but God wants to get a bit deeper on these issues.
Last night we had our sunday evening meeting I knew that I was going to be challenged.. I was thinking of ways of not going at all but they were all emty excuces none that wanrrented asking my shepherd for time at home....
I just wanted to get in thecar and drive forever.
So I decided that i could escape into my role as a welcomer... couldn't I.... God had other ideas I thinnk that it was the quietest sunday nights I had ever known at Cov.....
Simon played this dvd called Lump
It was agony and I was to rip his head off...... ( I love him and respect him really)
I knew that I had to respond but I did not know how or what would happen so I sat on the floor and cried and cried and God pinned me to that floor coz everything in me was screaming to run.
But I could not speak about the pain All I could do is look for God and speak his name just as i thought that it was easing Simon started to speak of his dad not I did have murderous thoughts toward my brother....... I was hit with another wave of intense pain but it was so intense I had to block it I could not bear it any longer so the door is shut once more and hte padlock firmly rusted over.
Time to focus on the fact that this is the week that I move style 3 all the adresses have been changed and the bank account is being closed I am sure that is enough to be dealing with not stuff that happened years ago isn't it?????