can you make too many life changing discissions too quickly I guess that is sort of what s on my mind right now.
Not so much thinking about destiny or where we are going to be living or anything major like that coz i am clear in me head about those things
I am sat here knowing that there is a celibates meeting tonight at cornhill and I wish i was there. I have been on the last two years ahh it is so beautiful I have never experince such strength yet gentleness, beauty and puirty of worship like i did there is was so special.
I ahve been single for 11 years and that was a discission that i made first off coz i needed time and space then becasue i wanted to hear from God as to what he wanted and also i was so aware that i needed to go through a time of healing, I know that i am still going through a time of healing and that will continue till I reach glory.
Any way about 18 months ago i decided that i was going to do a time as a probationary celibate and seek God over my futre my leadership at the time did not have any strong wisdom either way. any way after about 10 months i felt that was not the course my life should take at that point
there had been so much going on in my life and it really was not the time to jump on a band wagon
plus i was in a real chrisis about my self image as i had lost loads of weight and i was really unsure about who i was.
so when i moved to promise i made a point of sharing that i was no longer doing probationary and that i did not feel that it was the path for me
it is such a precious gift and for me if i blew it that would be the worst that could be and i could never revisit and that was too much of a risk for me personally to betray the ultimate bride was too much too take on
any way I realised that i was also so convinced that i was unmarryable I did not belive that anyone would look at me i held no prospect of any one ever looking and seeing that i could possible be loveable of anything near wife material ( maybe to a degree that is still the case)
Any wya in all of I realised that i desperately want God to bless me with a husband that will love and respect me.
but tehre is part of me that really envys folks that can embrace the celibate gift but realising that is not me has been painful be also a time of growth and now i have to move on with a vision and resolve in my heart but i guess there will always be a little bit of my heart that will pang at these times in our church calender
any way enough of my ramblings
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4 comments:
The main thing is to be a child of God...
hey dude!!!!!!!!!!!
You're not alone in having had God do a work of healing in you during your probationary year of celibacy. It sounds like what has happened is exactly what needed to happen. You're learning to love yourself in a healthy way, and that's good. Better to get healed before diving into either marriage or celibacy. Better to be a child of God, as was said above.
But I can understand the 'pang' you speak of when you know it's Celibates and you're not there. Don't forget, you can still go, just as a sharpener, even if you feel it's not for you. Married people go too, and get some of the blessings that you speak of in this entry.
Bless u for your honest Dee
It is possible to do the right thing for the wrong reasons & the wrong thing for the right reasons. Keep receiving God's healing. The main thing is to be a functioning part of the body of Christ. God will make the next step clear. Your singleness in itself is a precious gift. There is much God can teach us (& healing) we can receive in the waiting time. Waiting is not wasted time.
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