out of love for those that matter

right I have gone black coz i care about your eyes
I have temporaily moved into promise house for the summer..... Am I challenged? to righty. is it good ??? flippin brill.
It si the little things that seem to make me think.
I have had my own home for over 20 years now and have been responsable for my own cooking and washing and cleaning.
Well on sunday evening i was pining my tag on my washing so that Jenny knew where it was coming back to not that it could be mistaken as I think that i am the only one that does pink ... well the way i do...
And i never realised how much washing I generated and it made me think well I have only worn that once or for a few houras ect so it can go back on the hanger etc it was a real challenge now i refuse to apologise if that sounds shallow..
then there is thinking I will just sit curled up with a book for 20 mins and then one of the toddlers starts screaming and you wanna say shut up but it is not your child so it is not your place. And the n the mum is not in teh place emotionally to deal so what do you do get along side the mum?? who is in a state or teh child that is in a state???
then yoiu ahve had 6 people moan at you child.
Life is fantastic I love it and already my heart is breaking coz of the thought of going home in september
so what is next????
who is gonna be brave enough to say Dee i need your car today so you ahve to change your plans bring it on let the cross cut deep
I am away for a few days now but will up date in a day or so

Are you happy with who you are

Are you happy with who you are?

That was a question i was asked last night!

Was I happy That God created me a woman?

I guess it is all too easy to spend our lives scrrying around from one scheme to the next trying to prove our worthyness and value as woman fighting to prove that we can do life with out the need for a man. Screaming at the world becasue we want equality we do not want to be seen as needing to be under authority.

Many of us trying to be Men as asspose tot eh womaen That God in his infite wisdom made us.

I ahve to say I am very Happy to be A woman and not have to be held accountable as to weather i did a good job as far as shepherding and having spitual responsbality for others. I know that i fight and wriggle sometimes but i am glad to be a woman under a mans authority.

I realise that in it all the healing that has taken place It is like the last 30 odd years i have been emerging out of a dark tunnel like a butterfly comeing out of being a catapillar.

But i have found my place In a wonderful diverse Kingdom where no matter what teh blemish is I am loved and accepted and I can move in the healing grace of the king of glory and no one can ever take that away from me no matter what the futre may hold.

One thing that I realised is that I do not want to be single strange statement to make it is something that I ahve struggled with anc considered a life of singleness for God but realised that it would ahve not been a sacreifice it would ahve been a convience as i would have been hiding from the inner pain and turmil that was very real

I realised that I am clumsey and walk over peoples feelings but I see it as a posative that I am able to recognise that becasue i can work at rtying to be a little more sensative and supportive to those God has choosen to surround me with and that my needs are not paramount.

I Love the life that God has brought me into

dispite my last post I am very happy at being a mum yes regretful that I did not do it differently but hey who am I to rtegrett what God had ordained before the world was even created

So yes i can resoundingly say Thank You God for making me me

no I do not anylonger wish i was a butterfly I am happy being the woman God is shaping me into

the end of my rope !!!!

I have had it I am throwing in the towel.
If God was to take me back in time and say yoiu now have a choice be a parent or not I would opt not to be...... Do not take that wrong I love my kids and i would die for them.... But the pain of being parent is sometimes too hard..... And life as a single parent is soooooo lonley and I have had enough. I look at my kids I have 2 that are screwed up on drugs one of which i saw tonight and he looked a mess and is wearing the same clothes he was 2 weeks ago, all i get from him is manipulation and disrepect and i can not do this any more and the older one all i seem to get is can you help we need money or food or what ever I am tired.
And the younger two well my daughter is so dam abocessed with going to hang out on street corners and at teh godivia staue in cov where all the flippin goths and druggies hang out all I have had for weeks is her bangin on that she has no freedom and how much she wants to be 18 so she can get away from me and this week end we had a festival in cov and she wanted to go I said no and stuck to it and she is so full of resentment and i can not do this any more
and my younger one has started to do stuff that is not good whaich i will not go in to but follows the path of two of my other children and i feel so flippin alone
I lost it when we got home tonight and told them they can do what they want as i am resigning i am not doing anything any more i will not stop them from doing anything it is their life i am too worn down to carry on
GOD help please i can not do this any more
I so wanted my kidws childhoods to be full of happy memories and all i ahve ended up with is damged kids
i wanna shout and scream
my heart is breaking and it is so dam painful and i do not know where to go for hgelp
I come over as capable but i am not all i ever wanted was to get married be a good wife and mother and i ahve stuffed that up
I have ended uyop with 4 damaged kids 4 bad relationships and a failed marriage
I am tred and weary and i can not go on and i am fed up withbeing dependable and reliable
I want the world t know that i do not have a clue what i am doing and i am worn out with trying I need rescuing well my kids need rescuing

so where or what??

I have been challenged of late about thinkning about my fellow bros and sisters and how i can build relationship.
Life is so very busy as so many will testify to and it is so easy to let a week/month /few months go by and realise that I ahve lost a close one due to the business of life.
so if yoiu are one of thsoe close ones that i ahve neglected or even not such a close one then i am sorry please forgive my blinkerd view of my own exisitance please feel free to entreat me in to looking at the wider world out side of the land of dee.
Any way my boss asked me to think of a question for brotherhood the other day. well I had jut finished reading James blog about an evening they had had at home building so I thought that i wopuld pick the brains and experinces of my fellow zion dwellers and see what they came up with.
there was a few that said thay find that finding time and space to pray together helps break down barriers that we put up one said he found that climbing a moutain helped
then tehre were a couple of lovely folks sugested absailing and jumping out of planes and such
not quite what was on my heart
for me i think that going somewhere away from the modern day life away from the phone and computer and mobile and going basic appeals to me
any way today i was at promise and we were clearing out the freezer it was amazing how much i got to know the person i was clearing out the freezer with and we talked more than we had in a while which was so good
so i realised that building does not ahve to be a special time set apart you can do it and be really blessed in a very simple way
saying that I am going to walk througha forest tomorrow with a dear friend we are climbing up in to the tree tops and do teh sky walk i can not wait
sp ahve a good weekend and remeber weather simple daily stuff or special times it is possible to build something beautiful

parent hood where is the manual

parent hood is possibly one of the thoughest callings in life it is the most painful and the most rewarding and I seem to stumble though realising that I do not have a clue what i am doing and Hoping beyond hope that I can bring my chiildren up with the least amount of damage as possible
but realising that if i could have attainted such a feat that is bring up children un damaged then they would never see their need of God becasue they would be perfect so their fore they would be in glory.
Any way I have 4 children 2 of which have left home very damaged souls and have dcended in to drink and drugs and all that life entails homelessness and jobless lives and collecting other lost souls along the way growing more self centred as each day seems to pass
All i will say is that I have faith to trust and believe that there is a glimer on the hozion i can not and will not ever give up believing that one day they will come in to a fall and free life through Jesus.
But i think my reason for writing this post was My daughter is not happy that i will not allow her to go into the city contre and just hang out and it is not helped my by son saying that I should relax and allow her to have a social life but in my eyes as soon as i relaxed and allow the boys to go and hang out that is wehere the rot set in and their lives decended in to drugs crime and drink
so I guess that in view of what happened with the boys that is why I am so over protective with my daughter
there are many other reasons but i really do not know how to strike a healthy balance
I want my daughter to grow intot eh healthy well balanced woman i know that she is destined to e but i feel totally helpless in how to acheive this
all thoughts would be appreciated
I know that iun my heart of hearts God is going to honour my heart it is just hard and often painful when he works things through with us

beauty

I have been realising of late just how much beauty there is in this world. we often are so busy that we refuse to allow ourselves time and space to enjoy the beauty of the great artist and musician.

Sunset often inspire me and when i saw how beautiful this was i felt that i had to share it's beauty with you.

tonight was a very different thursday night for me normally i would be at promise house with the rest of the household enjoying the beauty of friendship. Tonight I went to my sons school he was in a concert where he was playing a solo on the flute I was so proud of him becasue I ahve watched him pover the last 9 months work hard to bring music from flute i remeber in the early days as he struggled to remeber where his fingers should be going and tonight I watched as he moved swiftly over the keys and produced a beautful sound and he beamed and i beamed. I took a close friend with me he s a single guy that has not got children and never will as he has choosen to stay single so that he is free to build the church.,
any way he came and experince the joy of children pouring their selfs out for a few moments of recognition.
and then when i got home there were a few friends here waiting for me then we shared a meal together and i looked around the table and realised that I would give everything for every ione that was sat around my dining table tonight as i looked on this scene of beautful friendship becasue of the cross the birds were singing in the garden and I realised that i did not need fancy things this was more than sufficent and how blessed i was to be surrounded by precious family that share a common viosn and the most beautiful music that is possible to preduce what more does one need

healing grace on grace on grace

well it has been a day or so since i last posted
following the healing on sunday ofm my ankle Praise God he is faithful and just and he loves to shower his children with gifts of love and mercy.
life has been a bit manic. but God never ever ceases to surprise me.
God greatly blessed me with the provision of a new car Thankyou God.
and last night he blesed me again becasue it is my heart not to hold on to pocessioins and i ahve been looking at how i can afford to open up my insurance for others to drive the car and now i have found an insurance company that i can afford to do that with Thanks God. just got to go and get keys cut.
I got up early today to prepare for tonight we are having 25 hours of worship and i am faciliating 1 hour in the morning so i wanted to take some time and space out of the day to prepare and i knew that the only option was to get up early I think that God must have agreed coz he woke me up at ^ it now almost the time that i would normally get up and I have just finished Thanks God.
The enemy is a sly slimey beast and he trys to undermine the work that God does in his saints but we have the victory by the blood of our precious Jesus and there is nothing that he can do that God does not give him permission to do.
on wed I had planned this day with a precios mate that i do not get much time with and although we had a fantastic day it was cut short when i realised that I needed to go to the doc as i had picked up a infection on hte back of my hand But in Christ i am healed Thank you God for my continued healing
even when the symptoms are still there Still declare your healing that has been my experince becasue God meets us in out faith.
Wed was a bit of a sad day as well we took our beloved chincillias to their new home... in view of the fact that we are going to move into community we knew that was not the right enviroment for the chins so we knew that sometime over this year we would ahev to rehome them but God has meet us in grace at that place as well. They have gone to live at a friends house so it means we can still enjoy them and we know trhey will be so well cared for So thanks God for making the potential trauma so easy to overcome.
along with the chinchillas we ahve down sized our very large video collection And God is making this journey so worth while.
And ovewr the last week i ahve been addressing head on the issues of ocd and how i view me as a person and how i am so hooked on image and i am trusting God for healing and i am taking back the ground that the enemy thought he had on me BUT I have hte victory in jesus name sin and sickness are under my feet
any way time to go and be a mum

the weekend over !!!! and now what???

Hi it has been a couple of days coz i has been away again at promise ....... My weekend retreat...:)
so what has the weekend been filled wiv???
well power power and more power yeah.
On saturday we had an open air event in the centre of coventry it was well cool we were there decalring to the city that God reigns no matter what.
I was watching a lot of what was going on as i was not as mobile as normal coz i had a real painful ankle i have been suffering from tentonitis for over 3 months and it was really bad.
But i was watching my wonderful daughter and she was getting stuck in whaich i ahve not seen before she is really begining to grow she had her red cross tee shirt on and was proud to wear it.
she got involved with a song that was going on and some other stuff too. and then i saw her talking with another sister to a group of teen lads about jesus that was fantastic.
When we got back to promise we all chilled around the meal table for over an hour which is always cool we just sat and chatted adn listen to some of piers advebtures he had been away to sctland for a few day with some brothers it is always good to hear of other folks adventures.
then we sat around trying desperately to fuinish a jigsaw that had been on the go for over a week .
now this may sound totally borning but it was sheer beauty there is nothing more beautiful that a group of folks sharing their hearts and sharing vision and purpose there is all age groups from 11 to over 50 all sat around the table sharing hopes dreams visions and inspirations it is so beautiful if you doubt that come and see.
on sunday evening we had our meeting. I had been in quite severe pain for 3 days with my ankle
stuart and shaz prayed and goid healed it immediately and i went from hardly being able to cope with walking obn it to jumping and leaping and dancing for about 30 mins and then driving home that had been a real source of irritation. God is so good to us and often surprises me
I wrote in my last entry about the song that had been in my heart well it has not let up yet every time i get in the car i just have to keep playing it. it is such a love stry of jesus and his bride.
when stuart was praying earler jesus was wispering in my ear once again about singleness for him
celebacy is such a precious gift adn a real source of strngth and purity for the church for those that can embrace it.
I know that God is calling me to to this life but i so do not know if i can
what if i stuff up
what if i taint that level of purity
he is drawing me in as a lover draws one in to a level of intamacy that only you and your lover is able to share
but i am so scared becasue all my relationships ahev been failures
what i really want is a sucessful relationship
but i know that is not going to happen
i know that i must do but i do not know if i can I am not that old and i do not know if i can live the rest of my life single

when God surprises you

what a week it has been and God never failed to surprise me in any way in he cares for us.
My emotions have been oon such a rollercoaster this week and then today i was listening to a song that just blew me away completly it is so beautiful it talks abbout the love that Christ has for us and how he gave himself so freely for us.

I ahve to say that it is going to be one of those moments that stick with me forever.
I could not work what my block was as far as God was and it struck me totally this morning in a blinding flash good job that here were angels around the car as i was driving.
My issue at relating to God was to do with that the only way i saw him was as father and not as a lover or husband and becasue of this song I can see him as my lover/husband ( no do not questin me on my stand as far as celibacy) (one step at a time)
I am sure that yoiu are now wondering what this song was now it was sung by natalie grant and it is called becasue of loveit has lines like
above all power above all nature above all treasures in this earth you were there before the world began above all kingdoms of the earth you thought of me
crucified laid behind a stone rejected and alone, like a rose trampled on the ground, youi took the fall and all becasue of me
it was at this point i saw Jesus as my lover and he as mine
so no matter what stress i am in i need to remeber that ti is nothing compared to the hunilitaion that he suffered and all the time i was on his mind
ther eis so much of my mind that is taken up by me and so little that is taken up by jesus, I am so grateful that is my mind and not Jesus's becasue we would be in such a sorry state if Jesus thought only of him there is no way he would ahve gone to the cross

when discipleship knocks is it as attractive as i thought???

Well as I put in my introduction this blog was about my path toward living full time in christain community.
I have longed and ached to be in community sometimes it hurts.
Any way last week end there was some very serious talking going on about myself and my children moving in this coming august.
Well yesterday was so one of those days that at the time i wished that the day never happened i am sure that we all have a day like that.
Any way i arrived at promise last night for Agape (meeting that those of us that are in coveneat attend)
And one of my precios leaders asked to see me I was already so very fragile and really on the edge.
Any way he explained that in the leaderships opinion it really would be best for My daughter for us to hold off till she was 16 before we came into community.
ouch ouch corr that hurt.
I sat there and nodded and not really saying much and after he struggled to grasp really how i was accepting this he left the room leaving me with my close friend.
Any way at this point it felt like my heart had been cut out. there ws no way my pride was going to allow me to stay and sit through agape i needed to go home.
As i pulled out of promise drive my conscience was already kicking in. By the time i reached the traffic lights 100 meters away i knew that i should go back by the time i got tot eh canal bridge i was in my head on my way back
so I got to the roundabout at the end of the road turned around and drove back barely able to see becasue i was crying so hart and the pain was so intense i had to scream outloud only who was going to hear there was me in the car and God please do not ask this of me God it is far to painful todo this again.... this was the 7th time that the answer had been not yet.... Oh God what are you doing please please.
I arrived back at promise and sat in the car and my mobile went off it was a text from my friend telling me to hang on in there.
I so did not want to go back in the house i did not want my leader to see the mess i was but as my dear friend pointed out that it was about being real and not being afraid to be who i am.
So in I went made a drink and sat outside then teh leaders wife came out and sat with me and said little but was just there and as we talked well as i did and she listened i realised how many folks were missing tonight and so i knew that i had to go in and give. Agape is where we gain strength.
After agape my dear friend came back home and we talked some more and every time i tried to go there was something else i needed to apologise for any wya eventualy i was together enough to drive.
I got home safetly and did a few last min prepartaions for my daughters birthday and fell in to bed
But my head was wizzing at a million thoughts a minute most of them from the devil
the draw to go dowstairs and get a knife and mutilate myself wass so very strong I was angry i lay in bed nad cried out for jesus to help me to get through the night i was in such turmoil and physical pain.
next thing the alarm was going God has brought me through the night and there was no self harming much to my gratitude and releif
And I woke with imense peace and reassurance in my heart
I sat down to breakfast and talked stuff through with teh children adn they gave their thoughts which have been fed back to the leadership and we are on course for summer 2007 to be when we give up all for the kingdom
yep discipleship hurts like hell sometimes but it is so beautiful

when life is a washing machine

do you ever have one of those days where you feel that you ahve been in dragged inside out and twirled around and then thrown out like a drowned rat??? well if you ahve you will know that feeling..
I drove home today thinking I can not go on i really wanna do some serious damage...
I do not know if you know that feeling...... But i know all to well how i would then feel if i dod I would be back into a cyle of guilt and failure... And the only one that gets the glory then is the devil and i am soooooooo not going there he has enough attention not willing to give him more.
so I had 2 options i could go down the route of negativity or a i could jump in the car go home scream at God forgive the folks that had stired up all the pain and anger i feel and maybe txt a mate and say pray for me i feel vunerable and weak. and i am in a serious risk factor of going down a path that God is healing me from.
so that is what i did i txt a mate and i came home looked at my kids having screamed a bit at God and realised the blessing that behold me and vocalised my gratitiude to the father in the full knowlede That i am a daughter of the most high God who has been damaged by the devil but i am in the process of being healing by the most high Father
so even though i feel like a drowned rat in the physical i knwo that i am am standing on the true rock and walking in the vicory that was bought at the highest price possible by my creator God
so that i can realise the freedom that his cruel humiliating death has bought for me

kalidiscope (spelt wrong i am sure)

perfection perfection I am realising that i expect from people a standard that is not mine to issue.
It is so easy to box people in and expect things from them that there are no in a position to deliver, And who am i in my inperfect state to expect anything.
There is only one person that walked this fallen sin ridden world that can demand perfect and not even he made that dmeand on us becasue he knew that we would never attain it.
He has put me in place where there are so many different people from so many different backgrounds and leveled us out In a life of equality and simplicty.
I for so long have battled with how i view people perceive me But i ahve not until recently thought about how i perceive other people and i relise that i am so judgemental and i put people in to boxes and i resrict tehm and with hold love and acceptance from them, who am I to do this for crying out loud if God woth held love and acceptance and grace and forgiveness from me what a flippin mess i would be in ( well a bigger mess than i am already)
funny coz my entry was going to be about somethign else completely
I guess that is the running word to me right now is to accept lest I with hold it from you (gulp)
discipleship discipleship discipleship let the cross go deeper in me let me die to self All i ask it to be living in you kingdom grace Lord.
THis weekend i realised that I can not hold back as far as moving in to style 3 community and I have asked my leadership to look as to weather i can move in this summer and i am waiting to hear.
Next week i am taking my beloved chincillas to their new home we are goi9ng to scale down life and live as close to style 3 in our own home even if my leadership ask me to wait till easter
the kindom is wotrth the pain of discipleship

information

today was one of those days that has made me think about how I communicate.
Why you maywell ask.
Well i went to work and my boss said to me........ Hope you do not mind!!!!! with intreidation i smiled and said go on thinking am i going to regret this....... But hey i am craving discipleship I thought so time to put my heart where my mouth is.
So he said I have noticed that when you are telling someone something you give them soooooo much unecassary infomation. I sat there for a breif moment and thought now shall i explain myself away of shall i take it an act on it.
in that moment I thought no i am not going to exlain myself away I trust this guy and I want to be a disciple so I must trust my brethren to point out in me areas of growth
so I thank him and Now i ahve been trying to think about what I am saying and if i need to say it..... I am sure that my lovely brethren that know me will be releived and will wait to see the changes and point out if i slip back in to pasive mindless chatter.
Time for all those insecurites of sitting in silence with my brethren to be nailed on the cross ,
I had the joy recently of having hearing aids fitted. And this morning was one of those days where i really appreciated them becasue in the drive in to work i listened and heard many wonderful sounds that i would not have heard before, simple things that i had forgotten like the beauty of the birds singing and i realised that God is the most wonderful musicain, I guess he was preparing me for realising that i do not need to natter away for the sake of it

what is freedom?

I am not one for qouting scripture coz my head doe not hold it in long enough for me to recall it...
But today i was dwelling on what freedom is, and here are a few thoughts
it is when nolonger my needs are ahead of my brother/sister when God and his church are paramount in my life.
It is when i reach the point where I look and realise that I do not give in to my wants,
I ahve a real issue with possessions so many will say is it not crazy to give up all and move in to community where youi are called to live as simply as possible and to share all. And i say no it is no mistake it is freedom and healing.
My biggest issues in my life are becasue i have too many choices and I know that God is healing me through reducing my choices becasue choice for me is where sin has a real foot hold in my life
I have for many years suffered from quite a diblitating condition called ocd (obcessive complusive disorder) It is about feeling safe, and God is leading me by the hand in to this safety that I have been craving for many years.
So how does ocd manifest it self in me. well it is about making sure that i all situations are covered i.e like making sure that the petrol tank in my car is full or my food cupboard etc
what ever it is it has to be full or empty there is no middle ground so to live simply is stepping in to freedom.
I have not been challenged on these issues yet but i know that my discipleship is on its way and what do I say
I say bring it on one step closer to freedom and in God i can soar in the heavenlies and find the freedom of style 3 living

working toward the goal

it has been a day where emotions had to be worked through. It is never easy when you see someone that you love trying hard to make their life work knowing that if they were to bow the knee and submit to God, things would be so much easier.
I spent time with my precious son and and his lovely girl friend, i saw this young girl totally dependant on my son and my son trying his besy to look after her, but barely able to look after himself and she is so full of pride and pain, it is so difficult to get near to her. She was so gratful for the simple things that I do like taking them food or buying them a coffee. It made me think that I had lost sight of the simple things that God showers me with and I expect some big expanse of spirtiual experince when infact it just need to get back to basics and enjoy God once again just enjoy being with the father.
I seem to spend my life rushing from here to there and never having time to stop and listen, I guess that my need to be accepted has taken over my need of God.
there are so many areas of my life that as so out of conrol and I long to reel them in but i do not know how, I am so full of fear and anxiety that I will be rejected that I over compensate in a material way.
My need to look just right has taken over my life when in side i am falling to bits and i do not know how to get off this crazy world that is island Dee.
last night I was talking to a precious friend and craving to be discipled we talked about how clothes rule me. I have to confess that I can change what am waering many times during a day sometimes on a really bad day as many as 5/6 times before i even get out of bed in the mornings and I wake up at night in massive panic attacks. I desperately hope that as i get knitted in with the sisterhood i know that healing is on its way and i am open and desperate to see freedom in this and many other areas of my life where excess rules
bring it on God please i need your discipleship i want to be a disciple and build the kingdom

today is always new

Last night I meet with a few friends and the couple that spirtually cover me to talk and share our hearts it is such a wonderful chance to have a bit of a heart clear out.
And as ever i was challenged on issues that i did not expect to be some were painful, But I have to keep in propective my level of pain is nothing compared to what jesus went through on the cross and all the time he was thinking of me. So what i have to deal with in my life is nothing in comparision. Ultimately I know that in dealing with the issues that i know that i need tio will take me into a greater degree of freedom and healing.. bring it on.
We never know what the day has in store when we wake up sometimes that is not such a bad thing.
I spoke to my son he and his girlfriend are living in her car at the moment, this is so tough for me as a mum I know that i could say come and stay here but I also know that is not Gods word to me and I have to obey God because I beleive that this hardship is about them submitting to God and saying we can not do this with out the Father, and who am i to step in and divert Gods work, After all i have been praying for so long that God will break him and he will come to the point where pride is gone and he bows the knee I just desperately hope that the expense is not too high but there again i have asked God to do whatever it takes and so I have to sit back in the knowledge that Gods love for these two is more than i can ever imagine and that he is their Father and I have to trust trust trust and trust some more.
I have seen Gods provison for my family and I continue to see it on a day to day basis spometimes it is minute by minute so I can not and will not doubt Gods faithfulness to any of my children after all they are his children and they are only lent to me for a season and i have handed them back in to Gods care and I have to trust and trust and trust and when i think that i have reached the end of my self i have to trust some more becasue i can not do any thing else if i do it for them when do they become reliant on God?????