balancing the change

We as a family are entering new territory. for the last 21yrs i have spent my summer charging around to get uniform shoes pens ect, My youngest has left school this year, and i have to be honest feel totally out of my depth.

Both my oldest sons had moved out of home and were working full time by the time they were at the point of my youngest.

Now i am struggling to know how much rope and freedom do i give him, and to a degree struggling with what is appropriate behavior.

Today some one commented that some of his behavior had become unruly. Everything inside me is reacting, as that was never a label that anyone would have put on him, yes we had the odd standoff and he larked about a bit nothing serious in fact i counted my self very well blessed he does not smoke or swear or any of the things that most people would expect from most 16yr old boys.

But he has meet a lad older than him who has had a disruptive past and can be a bit loud and reckless (Do not get me wrong i really like the lad and he is tr ying to change he has a teachable heart) but i really do not like the way that my son has been over the last few weeks since meeting this lad.

A couple of weeks ago my son made me as proud as any parent could be and he decided to get baptized (this is a vital discussion in his own personal spiritual walk)

In our church each person has someone that helps them give them goals we call them shepherds it is a vital relationship to have i know that i would struggle with out my shepherd.

so my struggle is finding a happy middle of ground of how much do i involve myself in my sons life and how much do I trust the brethren who have time after time been there for him and steered him on to solid ground. My son does not have a relationship with his dad so the men of our church have been vital in my sons growing up helping him to grow up to be a real man, and be able to make choices

I am emotionally torn that my youngest is no longer at school but i do not know how much freedom to give him or how much to trust that God has placed people in his life that are going to take him on his next chapter of his life.

moving in grace

the are are times in your life that you feel that yo do not have strength to revisit, there are many different reason why we suppress are memories.

I have spend most of my adult life trying to block out stuff that i choose not to remember.

I am beginning to see how God has held me through my childhood and now in my adult hood.

There are times when i have been so exhausted by holding on to my past, not allowing God in too scared to go back into those spaces that i have lock things into. Holding on to this has slowly been destroying me at times taking me very close to death.

If i gave in and fully given in to the power that the past in I would have been accepting that God does not have the power that I know and believe and submited to the devil.

As we give our memories over to the great and awesome creator he and only he can heal the areas that noone can reach Jesus was approached by a Leper in these verses who said that if Jesus was willing to heal him, Jesus could make him clean. Jesus replied, I am willing, and proceeded to heal the man.

Even though this referred to a out ward healing God does not just heal what people can see on the outside but he heals the stuff that we can not see the stuff that causes us to be emotional lepers.

We do not deserve this in fact we deserve nothing but god gives abundantly to us by grace that we do not deserve but because he is our father he chooses by grace to love us and it is only by grace that we can enter in to his presence

Romans 3:24
and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

so in confidence under his grace and under the covering of the blood i can approach God and he will not view me as the emotional crippled person that life has made me but he will view me as his daughter whole and complete.

I can enter in to his glories presence in the full assurance of faith as a whole free person and when i am in his presence all the rubbish that has been inflicted on me by life and people just falls away it is just me and God my Father and I can climb in to his arms and the true meaning of a Fathers heart becomes magical and real

been a long time

hi folks
not sure if any one looks in to see where things are at.
I know that it has been an age since I posted sorry bout that.
It has been a year of deep sadness and perfect beauty.
how do the two mix you may well ask.
well this time last year I was in a state of deep emotional turmoil to come through that time was something I never thought possible. So have I reached the winning tape, well no but if I had I would be in glory with nothing other than worship and admiration for my creater Father God,
this last year has seen us as a family take the very painful step of moving out of community we are still very raw and heart broken but the dream carries on that is the beauty of it,
I have seen one of my spiritual mums go to be with the Lord.
and I had the huge honour and privildge of watching my beautiful granddaughter take her first breath in to this world she is six months old now and a real beauty
my health continues to be poor and my staminar low but I do what I can and so not condem myself if I do not make it .
one of the things of beauty is that Will has come home to live now most parents would think that a chore but he is a star he helps me when I am poorly he is there providing a stablity for saolme and alex that I some time am not able to do he has grown in to a real man of value and honour and I coult it an honour and a privaldge to ccall him my son
any way that should give you some insight as to where I am
by the way big thanks to val she found us the most beautiful house I owe her and so many of my dear friends in this church a debt of gratitude that I will never be able to repay
thank you my dear friends for seeing this year out with me
dee

kinda intresting

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thoughts and ponderings

on Sunday morning my mind wandered a little.
I was thinking back over my childrens lives maybe the fact that one of my sons was sat just a few seats away may have triggered my thought pattern.
Any way the guy that was taking the meeting was talking about the need for liberation and freedom, and how we can be opressed and how Jesus's Blood was spilt for our freedom.
As I watched my son in in deep ponderings of his own, My mind took me back over their lives and I felt this emense responsablity for the damage that is clear in all of my children....
God gives us these precious beings to care nurture and Love, and when we are outside of God we damage them. Now the cop out is hey I was damaged how many times have we/ I said hey I am damaged so it is not my fault.......
so now having seen this what can I do well I can not go back in physical terms and live their childhoods all over again.
All I can do is cry out to God and cling on to him with everything that I have. I can continue to give my children back to their heavenly Father and trust that he alone can repair the damage hand in hand with the folks that he has surrounded my family with. And continue to seek forgiveness from my children and My heavenly Father.
So the point of this post is....... well I guess I do not know who reads our posts. And any chance to demonstate that God can move beyond any circumstance .. he can repair any damage.
we have to continue to come back to the cross....
realising that we are a fallen race we will continue to move in our insecurities but as God builds into us love and security more and more we grow u0p in him and move in grace.

Today my relationship with all of my children is the best it has ever been Because God has built into all of us and us undoing teh damage of all our yesterdays and while we are all imperfect we are living out the grace that God in his love chooses to pour into our lives.
so where this could have been a continuation of the past God intervens when we allow him and builds something that can be beautiful.

unexpected

The last couple of weeks have been and amazing time in our church and in my life personally I have meet with God in a new way and a powerful way.
In him I have found a confidence and a need of him that I have never experinced.. but how I need more. I realised that I am only scratching the surface.
We never know how much time we have here to make a difference, to guide others to the ultimate love and peace that is for eternity.
today is a sad day we heard that a dear brother went to glory last night and we ache for those that are left behind but there is also a joy knowing that he is safe in the arms of his Father.
also I had news that a dear friend who has been a mum to me for many years is deteriating fast she has lukemia and has had her 2nd course of chemo but has had a fall this week and has picked up a few nasty infections and being the selfish person that I am I want God to take her into his arms and receive her home.
she has and continues to be an inspiration of grace and corage and I love her dearly but can not bring myself to visit her.
She has held me so many times while I broke my heart she watch as life broke me as poor mental health stole years from me and my family praying and supporting me.
She has rejoiced in watching God restore and rebuild me
But I can not bring myself to visit her I use every excuse there is going I love her so much but I know that I will just crumble if I go visit her and I do not want to do that so I love her at a distace someting she never did with me
Please do not judge me or condem me as I do that for myself
so why this post
I am just aware that Gods peace is often hidden in circumstances and we look at what we are going through and that is often what drives us but i know that when we say God this hurts so much them and only then can he come with wisdom and hold us and pour soothing oil on opur pain and take us on to the next level of trust in him
And as selfish as I am I know that God will hold me and teach me through this
if you read this and have a spare moment please pray for my friend she is a very special Lady and one that has lead many folks in to the loving arms of the father he mortal body may be weak but her spirit is strong
God bless you my friend

beyond words

over the last couple of weeks as a church we have been experincing a new wave of love and power through Holy spirit annoitings
It is a time of change for many of us, Also a time of great beauty.
I have watched as God has moved, I watched as God has moved on my own children and also those tht I have come to see as children from God.
this has to be something that moves us forward as a church. If we were to keep all that God is doing for our own selfish gratification then God will remove it from us.
Last weekend we gathered as a whole national church for one of our bank holiday weekend festivals. There was a real battle for me leading up to this and I was not too sure where it was going to go for me personally I really did feel quite daunted but also there was a real feeling of excitment and expectation.
On teh saturday all of my children we at the marquee that has not happened in possibly 3 years so that was a time of real lifting in my soul and beauty from God reaffirming to me that he is iin the driving seat.
I have to be honest I really did not gain from the saturday for many reasons.
But I went with a desire and a need to see something shift in my soul.
In the morning I just rested in God But was determind That I was not going to leave the evning without a change having gone on inside of me, but it had to be something that I could grasp hold of to run with God and to impact in a tiny way his Kingdom to bring glory to him not me.
I saw a brother praying with some sister and watched the holyspirit move over them and annoit them I was determind that I wanted some of it too so myself and a young sister that I care for went over and joined in soon we were praying like we have never prayed before mixed with deep laughter like I have never experinced before and we were praying for everyone that walked passed us with a urgency becasue we wanted everyone to experince the love and power that we were it was so beutiful and totally infectious.
during the response time I know that I just had to pray with others this was too beautiful and way too pawerful to hold on to.
I went and prayed with some romanian children they received so easily they asked to speak in tounges and just received it was awesome.
Then I turned around and saw my 11yr old son on stage worshipping arms streaced receiving and it brough me to tears and all the fears that I hold on so tightly too for my children we lifted
later I found out that he had fallen under the spirit and was almost carried home that night
the next day he went up on stae to testify about the Love of God and hey God meet him again and he was again annoited and fell down under the spirit so beautiful and then I watched as he prayed for others this was such a new release for him
and my daughter well read her blog if it crys love it
and this week God has continuded to take us on and on sunday I saw my son in floods of tears it seems that his caring brother had asked God for the gift of tears for himself and My son received it instead truely beautiful maybe he should pray and ask God to bless this brother with tears
any way I could go on all day but I will not

it has been a while

I have not blogged in a while
adjusting to massive changes often leaves me in awe and clinging on to the robe of God.
But of late I have begun to realise how little I do hold on and realising my need to cling more on to the grace that flows from the Father and his perfect love.
I know how easy it is to hide even though I live with 17 other folks
and how often I fail and how often I find I need to box things off. And in trying to do the right thing I bypass my need to cling on tot he father.
I am realising that people do not alway fit in to catogorys as much as we want life to be a simple formula it is not, and it is in that place we have to fall on Gods grace and wisdom and lean not on our understanding.
so time to break out of boxes I guess
life is ever changing and now that God has done an amzing healing in my life I am off sick benifits and in need of a job so please God a job in the kingdom

just been reading through some of my past posts over the year and I ma so in awe of what God has brought me through and into over the last 9 months or so I really recommend you bloggers take time to look back at your blogs and see the picture that God is painting it is truely a master peice for each of us and as a body in Christ